10 Ways To Tell Your Roommate Just Had Sex

By Johny in Life Style On 23rd September 2015

#1

Hey wait, anyone seen the roll of paper towels? Ahh. My roommate grabbed them a few minutes ago. Must be doing some impromptu dusting in his room at 3:30 am on a Saturday. While super drunk, too! That's just how he is, total neat freak. Remember to dust behind the surge protector, that thing's a haven for cat hair!

#2

It appears my roommate has decided to listen to some music, super loudly. And now he's done listening to music, after like, ten minutes. Guess that was enough music. "That was a sufficient amount of music for now," he probably said, before turning off the music and reverting back to the book he was reading.

(SIDENOTE: My housemate in college used to blast Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" super-loudly any time he and his girlfriend were having sex, which, of course, ended up being a billion times more conspicuous than if he just hadn't put on any music to cover up the noises.)

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#3

Interesting new ensemble there, roomie. I'm assuming you made the conscious fashion decision to suddenly change into that old Ichiro Yankees jersey and backwards mesh shorts, and didn't just throw random shit on in the dark in five seconds. Honestly, you could wear that to half the bars we go to without anyone looking.

#4

Wow, my roommate REALLY must've had to pee. Then someone else also did shortly after that. I can tell they really had to go because they friggin' SPRINTED into there. They appeared to be wearing only t-shirts and rushing to wash off some sort of substance that got onto them. OHHHH I know what they were doing! Eating spaghetti in bed again, I see? Messy messy.

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#5

Hmm, usually my roommate goes outside to smoke. And almost never smokes two cigarettes simultaneously while making a haphazard effort to blow the smoke outside through the air conditioner even though it's still super obvious-smelling. I get it ;-) ;-) ;-) Your nicotine addiction has taken a sudden jarring upswing.

#6

Of course you can! Good thinking. Plan ahead for future sextimes. Maybe later this month if you're lucky!

#7

I totally get it, I hate waking up early to shower too. Nothing like a normal sudden 3 am shower two hours after you came home to really wrap up a perfect Saturday night.

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#8

Totally inconspicuous! Are you some sort of secret agent, roommate? Cause DAMN you're good at keeping a poker face (you're one of those secret agents who has to play high-stakes poker like in Bond movies, is what I mean.) Either that or you're a professional foley artist recording some "ecstasy noises" to dub into a film you're working on. At 3 am. You workaholic!

#9

I can relate! Must've been a hell of an episode. One of the Marcel ones, right?

#10

Aaaaaand I'll just keep telling myself that was the noise of a dying rat in the wall behind my bed so I'm less uncomfortable for the next couple months. Fun times!