12 Inanimate Objects That Are Way Better Than Your Ex
By
Samantha in
Cool
On 8th June 2016
You've done the thing that millions of people struggle with and you're doing it right. You've ended that relationship that wasn't serving your best interests (or any of your interests), you've maintained the no-contact rule no matter how hard it is to stay off their Facebook profile, and, through it all, you know you're doing the right thing, no matter how foreign it feels.
Now that you're in this "detox" from your ex, you've done the things you need to do and you've got all this extra time. To avoid the temptation to text or call in all this echoey silence, we've compiled a list of things that beat your ex in every way.
#1. Your Treadmill (The Love/Hate Relationship Is All On You)
This friend has been here all along and when jerk face showed up, you disappeared. Unlike said jerk face, your exercise equipment calls for your best self by taking your anger, sadness and other breakup feels and turning them into endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Jerk face does not.
Endorphins > jerk face = treadmill > jerk face. Understand?
#2. Food. Food For LIFE.
Yes, this is stating the obvious. The rest of these will shock, inspire and thoroughly enthrall you but, first things first. Food will always make things better. This effect is greater with an abundance of cheese.
#3. Your Big Bed
It's all yours now, and it may have asked, "who was that guy?" You can smile as you snuggle yourself into its billowy depths and say, "Nevermind" and sigh, smiling to yourself.
See, your bed doesn't mind that you "hog" all the covers. It's into that.
#4. Free Samples At Costco
No commitment to fear here. No expectations. You can chat with the sample lady, enjoy her many goodies, and discuss calories. She is better than any man and she's right where you can find her.
#5. A Friggin' Dictionary
There is no fibbing, truth-bending or "fabricating" in this wonderful literary tool. Speaking of tool, you just dumped whatshisface, right? Maybe it's time for you to start appreciating good ol' Webster.
#6. Wi-Fi? More Like My-Fi
He cut in and out... so does Wi-Fi, yes, they are on the same page for that. HOWEVER, Wi-Fi gives you what you ask for without the eternal "You're wasting time", "This is stupid" and, my favorite, "Are you shopping?"
Wi-Fi doesn't make these things its business. You want Amazon? You got it! You want to google makeup tutorials for four hours? Done! Don't want to cook? It'll order pizza. Ex who?
#7. That Little Stool In Your Kitchen That Your Grandpa Built When Your Mom Was In Grade School
Unlike he who shall not be named, this little stool has been there through the tough times and can still do all of these things he couldn't: he can carry your weight, he doesn't complain when you need something from the top shelf, he looks great for his age and your family loves him.
#8. Shoes. All Shoes.
Ever wanted to go dancing only to have him say something sexy like "That's lame" or "Sure, but only if they teach me how to dougie". You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
Shoes love to dance... and walk... away.
#9. Your Dryer
Why do guys stink? I'll tell you why guys stink: they believe in "clean enough". This is what they call the clothes they leave on the floor... of every friggin' room in the house. Like the snake he is, this guy shed clothes like a second skin and no, honey, they were not "clean enough", especially when visiting my parents.
Now that he's out of your life, you can focus on the loyal hunk of freshness you can always turn to for a warm embrace: your dryer. Yes, weird but, hear me out. Stuff is clean or not, there is no in between with this one. After one night together, you can snuggle up to all the clean, billowy things inside as long as you want, and everything smells like spring.
#10. Calendars Can Keep A Friggin Date
Few things are more annoying than getting all dressed up and having nowhere to go. You had a date but he forgot/didn't get enough notice/never liked those friends anyway/got a paper cut and feels queasy. No matter what his excuse, here you are lookin' super fine as you walk back upstairs to change into your PJs and pull out a frozen dinner to replace the one you were supposed to be having.
As you peel the plastic off the frozen pizza you're about to inhale, you may not realize you are in the presence of someone far better than that irresponsible child you're dating: Mr. Calendar. He always knows what's up and even reminds you!
#11. That Robot Vacuum Thing
You're busy. You're balancing your bills on one hand and washing dishes with the other. He, on the other hand, has to poop every time you ask him to do anything around the house. You both live there and you both make the mess, but when only one of you is working that day, the other should do something. Anything.
This lovely little robot is nothing like this deadweight that you've recently freed yourself of. You turn it on in the morning (he got that too, so he can't use that as an excuse) and it works all day. It toils at its job while you toil at yours so that when you get home, you can both take a break.
#12. That Little Flower Thing That Waves In The Sun
Normal people have feelings, and they come out when you're alone. When you share that space with an a-hole, your feels don't get the respect they deserve, so ditching that dude was the best thing you could have done.
Enter: happy little solar flower. This little guy understands and knows it will get better. If you listen real close, he whispers little sweet nothings like, "No, you're not crazy. No, you're not overreacting. Smile."
