13 Pieces Of Furniture Ranked By Difficulty For Having Sex On Them
#1 Floor lamp
Who invented this thing anyway? It's not stable enough to bang against, nor is it comfortable to lie on if you set it on its side. It's basically useless.
#2 Rocking chair
Unless you're a Cirque du Soleil performer, it is 100% impossible to have a satisfying sexual experience on a rocking chair. Unless your definition of "satisfying" involves keeping your genitals several inches away from your partner's as you rock back and forth all by yourself.
#3 Kitchen counter
The movies make you want to believe that there's nothing more romantic than lifting a lady up onto a counter and ravaging her, but one attempt will show you how unsustainable that position can be, and how quickly you lose circulation to your legs if you're said lady. Best keep it to foreplay only, folks. For safety, comfort, and hygiene's sake.
#4 Shower
Besides the fact that the shower is generally used when someone is naked, there's really nothing about it that is conducive to good sex. A shower is basically a formation of vertical, slippery surfaces upon which you desperately cling for the hope of some traction, but in the end one person always ends up being unable to breathe because they're under the stream of water, and the other person is exhausted from trying to cling to the tiles.
#5 Side Table
At best, the bottom member of the pair can sit on the table while the top sits in the opposite direction, allowing for a few moments of terrifying friction before both fall onto the floor, overcome with pain and regret.
#6 Toilet
For a fixture that screams "let's get it on," the toilet is a surprisingly challenging location for true romance. The water's a serious obstacle, and the toilet lid always seems to be loose, providing limited options for a surface upon which to rest. But on the plus side, if things get messy, there's a flush option right below you!
#7 Dining room table
Tables look so flat and large and inviting, it's hard not to think that this is a great place for doing it. But here's the thing: people EAT on that table. And that means you really need to clean up afterward. If you're okay with that, go for it. Otherwise, I'm not going to be coming over for dinner.
#8 Bookcase
Oh this one seems like the perfect idea, but unless one of you is Spiderman, you're asking for some awkward vertical friction with the increased risk of head trauma due to falling books
#9 Framed family photo
Not sure why you're considering this one, but whatever. Everyone's into their own thing, I guess. Just make sure you're careful with the glass in this one...no one needs a shard in their back as a result of some heated passion.
#10 Desk
Since desks are generally the site of the most boring of activities, it's only natural that everyone pictures themselves having sex on that very surface. The trouble with that, though, is that a clearing of the surface automatically requires a dramatic sweep of all objects onto the floor, which leaves a lot of cleanup for after. But dang do you look cool when you're doing it.
#11 Sofa
You know what? This is a great place to get it on. Chances are you're watching a movie already, getting comfortable, when BAM someone puts on the moves. Sofas are great because there's some length for stretching out, some padding to keep things comfy, and there's the possibility for some versatility in positioning. Just make sure you don't get too gross--other people will be sitting on it later.
#12 Bed
It's almost like this one was invented solely for having sex on. It combines the cushiness of a couch with the large surface area of a table, providing a comfortable and convenient place upon which two or more humans might get down and dirty. Oh, and when you're done? You can even clean the sheets! I'm telling' ya, you've got to try this one. It's great.
#13 Gliding foot rest
The single greatest piece of furniture to ever be utilized for a romantic occasion, the gliding foot rest has revolutionized humans' classic mating styles for years. What we once called "doggy style" the foot rest has transformed into a thing of grace. What was once "the missionary"? Now a mesmerizing sexual ballet.
