15 Shocking Truths Behind What Cat Behaviors Actually Mean
#1 Quivering butt, ready to pounce
"Experts" say: Cats wiggle back and forth to position themselves for the perfect attack.
The truth: Cats have satellite transmitters in their butts and must periodically recalibrate to receive transmissions from their home planet.
#2 Rolling back and forth on the carpet
"Experts" say: Your cat is showing submission or inviting you to play.
The truth: Your cat ate some bad Thai food and is writhing in pain. Stop feeding it so much Pad See Ew.
#3 Making squinty eyes at you
"Experts" say: Cats squint at you when they're content. Slowly closing their eyes at you is a sign of trust.
The truth: Your cat's eyes are overly sensitive to the sun and it's squinting because it wants a new pair of Ray-Ban Clubmasters. Get to shoppin'.
#4 Raised butt in your face
"Experts" say: Tail sniffing is normal between felines, and this is your cat's way of saying hello to you.
The truth: Your cat just cleaned its butt and wants to show it off to you. Look at that sparkling clean butt and say, "Very nice butt, cat. Good job."
#5 Sleeping in a perfect circle
"Experts" say: Sleeping in a circle conserves body heat.
The truth: Time is cyclical, and nobody understands this better than cats. When your cat sleeps in a circle, it's a sign that this world is ending and giving way to a greater, more terrifying universe.
#6 “Kneading” with its paws
"Experts" say: As kittens, cats will knead their mother's stomach to produce milk, and this is most likely a leftover trait from kittenhood. It might also be an instinctual part of settling down to sleep.
The truth: Your cat saw an ad for baking classes in the local paper and wants to enroll. Write a check for $350 immediately.
#7 Sitting in “cat loaf” formation
"Experts" say: Your cat tucks its paws underneath it because it feels content and safe, plus it keeps body heat from escaping.
The truth: Your cat is annoyed that you didn't enroll it in baking classes and thinks the only way to get your attention is to pretend it's an actual loaf of bread.
#8 One leg extended during bath time
"Experts" say: Your cat is raising its leg to more easily clean itself.
The truth: Forget baking classes, your cat wants to learn to play the cello now. It's emulating the act of playing cello to get your attention. Write a check for $8,000 immediately.
#9 Showing its belly to you
"Experts" say: An exposed belly is a sign of trust.
The truth: An exposed belly is a trap. Your cat knows you can't resist snuggling its furry belly, at which point it will attack you and feast on your flesh. Beware.
#10 Staring off into space, wide-eyed
"Experts" say: Cats have keen senses, and the smallest movement will catch their attention. They probably saw a bug or a speck of dust.
The truth: Evil, skinless demons have crossed into this realm, and only your cat can see them. Run.
#11 Sleeping in boxes
"Experts" say: Cats are drawn to the confined space of a box because it offers security.
The truth: Your cat is having a quarter-life crisis and thinks a trip to Mozambique would offer some worldly perspective. Tape up the box, slap on some postage, and mail your kitty to Africa.
#12 The “hug ‘n’ bite”
"Experts" say: Wrestling and biting is a normal part of play for cats.
The truth: With its keen senses, your cat has noticed that the government-implanted tracker in your wrist is about to self-destruct and kill you. It must be removed immediately. Try to relax, your cat is attempting to save your life.
#13 Chirping out the window at birds
"Experts" say: Chattering is a reflex motion in anticipation of hunting.
The truth: Your cat is actually a bird and wants to hang out with other birds. How did you not realize you bought a bird instead of a cat? You dummy.
#14 Sitting on your computer when you need to work
"Experts" say: Cats like warm places, and your laptop is warm.
The truth: Your cat knows how many times a day you creepstalk your ex, and has decided it's time for an intervention.
#15 Nowhere to be found, no matter how hard you look
"Experts" say: Cats are good at hiding. Maybe he's under your bed?
The truth: Cats are time travelers. Yours is probably in feudal China right now. Don't worry, he'll come home soon (maybe).
