16 Things People Are 100% Sure About Until They Have Kids

By Sumaiya Ghani in Life Style On 28th September 2015

1. On food:

"They're gonna be those kids that just have matured tastebuds at an early age, ya know? They're just gonna have that knack for good, healthy food."

2. On television:

"I'm not gonna be one of those parents that just ignores their kids while they binge-watch TV. No. Each night, we're going to read. And Saturdays? Saturdays will be novel days."

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3. On technology:

"There won't ever be a point where my kids aren't entertained when we're out. Why? Because we'll all be too busy having substantive conversations about life lessons and shit."

4. On going out:

"My kids are going to be deep-sleepers, like me. They'll probably fall asleep in minutes, and then be out cold until like 11 the next morning. My weekend plans literally won't even have to change."

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5. On scheduling:

"They'll be like 'Hey dad, what are you up to today? We wanna go to the waterpark!' And I'll be all like 'It's a Saturday, and I've got nothin' going on, of course we can!'"

6. On energy levels:

"I only needed like 7 hours a night in college, and that was with a bunch of obligations and stuff. Kids are gonna be like half the responsibility and they won't keep me up late like homework does."

7. On being cool:

"My kids are going to beg for me to hang out with them during sleepovers. When I get up to make them pizza bites, their friends are going to be like, 'Dude, how is your mom so cool?'"

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8. On tolerance:

"See, I'd maybe occasionally get annoyed if my kids were poorly raised and misbehaved, but obviously, that's not going to happen."

9. On timeliness:

"I'll just do the sensible thing and account for the time it takes my kids to get ready - which is pretty much gonna be the same every time - and plan accordingly."

10. On attentiveness:

"I so can't stand it when parents are all like, 'Hold on sweetie, mommy's got more important things to do right now.' Like, it's your freakin' kid, what could be more important than what they have to show you??"

11. On patience:

"I'm just gonna establish a foundation of soft, gentle instruction right from the start. They'll grow up respecting my requests. And if they misbehave? I'll just use simple hand gestures! Like the Dog Whisperer, but with kids."

12. On maintaining order:

"We'll walk by other families with kids out of control, and my kids will be like 'Dad, why are those kids being so unchill?' And I'll be like, 'I don't know guys. Some families just don't know how to chill.'"

13. On attire:

"If you catch me wearing a sweatsuit, it'll only be when I'm going for a morning run in the winter."

14. On fitness:

"If anything they'll encourage me to stick to my regimen. I'll get home from a good lift and they'll be all like 'Dad you look so swole! Did you best your max on bench??'"

15. On airplane flights:

"If there's a wedding or something, we'll just find a really affordable, trustworthy babysitter, or have one of our friends look after them. The mistake people make is just not planning enough in advance."

16. On order and cleanliness:

"It'll rarely be in disarray because my kids will never be out of my sight long enough to make any messes. And on the off chance it is, it definitely won't be so bad that I feel the need to vent about it to friends. I mean like, come on."