18 Of The Most Savage Things Kids Have Done

#1 The Hormonal Hug

“I was nine months pregnant, about to pop, and very hormonal. My 3-year-old comes over to give me a hug. In her beautiful sing-songy voice she says, ‘I love you so much, Mommy Cow Cow!’

I cried.”

#2 The Shop Assistant

"My 4-year-old son pointed at the teenage shop assistant with obvious acne and asked him if he had chicken pox."

#3 The List

“Whenever I tell my 4-year-old I love him, he tells me he doesn’t love me, then lists all of the people he does love. Daddy, his brother, nanny and granddad, all his preschool teachers, his friends, random person he’s met once or twice, the neighbour’s dog, police cars… It’s a long list.”

#4 The Fake Wine Mom

“For the record, I don’t drink wine, and my daughter, 7, doesn’t know what it is. But I’m buying a bottle of wine for a work party and the clerk is swiping the bottle at the checkout when my daughter picks that moment to look at me with big eyes and say, ‘Mama, why don’t you spend more time with me?’”

#5 The Smart Alec

“Once I came home from college and was watching The Never Ending Story with my 3-year-old brother. He asked me ‘What does Atreyu mean?’ and I said I didn’t know, which prompted him to say quietly ‘I thought you went to college.’ ”

#6 The Unmasking

“I was taking off my makeup one night when my 5-year-old came into the bathroom and started watching me intently.

5: Mummy, so is this what you really look like?

Me: I guess so, yeah

5: Hmmmm and did daddy know this was your real face when he agreed to marry you?

Me: …

He then skips off leaving me alone with my thoughts…”

#7 The Commercial

“You know those commercials for funeral insurance? After watching one, my daughter tells me, deadly serious with a look of pitiful concern, ‘Mommy, you REALLY need to get this. You are SO old, you have to be pretty close to dying.’

I’m 42, so…”

#8 The disbelief

“My friend, my six-year-old and I were looking for a sweater in some boxes in my garage. My friend pointed at one and said ‘What’s in there?’ to which I replied, ‘My hopes and dreams, probably’. And then from across the room, we hear my six-year-old say ‘Wow, you have hopes and dreams?’”

#9 The Coo-Coo

"My 3-year-old and I were sharing a stall at a full bathroom in Target when she disgustedly exclaimed 'MOMMY! YOUR COO-COO IS SO HAIRY!"

#10 The secret recorder

“I found a mini recorder that I had given to my mother to help her remember what she needed at the store. It was hidden in the back of a drawer. My daughter was in 2nd grade at the time. When I hit play on the recorder I heard my daughter’s voice say ‘Grandma gave me this recorder to have a record of the abuse my Mom does to me. This way she can adopt me and I won’t have to be abused. This is my first abuse to record. Today my Mom made me clean my room and wouldn’t let grandma do it for me! Grandma says this is child abuse!’”

#11 The Notebook

“When my kiddo was around six or so I was cleaning her room and I found a notebook full of her drawings and flipped through to find a page with ‘my mom is a motherfucker’ written across it. Who knows what I did to make her that mad.”

#12 The Correction

“When I was in nursing school my son believed I was a doctor and would always call me doctor. I would always correct him, ‘Mummy’s a nurse’. He would suffer from frequent bloody noses and one day I caught him picking his nose and informed him that picking noses led to a bloody nose. He turned around and in the coldest way said ‘WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW, YOU’RE NOT A DOCTOR, YOU’RE JUST A NURSE.’”

#13 The Smiling Passenger

“When I was 19 my dad died and obviously I was very upset about it. A couple of days after it happened my sister asked me if I could go and pick her daughter up from school. We’re talking as I drive her home when all of a sudden she looks at me, smiles, and says ‘your dad’s dead’ then acts as if everything is normal.”

#14 The Bacon-Maker

“My daughter crawled into my lap one day when she was about 4, gave me a hug, then looked me square in the face and said she wanted to cut me up and turn me into ‘mom bacon.’”

#15 The Skeptic

"When my father died, I told my 5-year-old and he said "I don't believe you, I want to see the body!""

#16 The Serial Pooper

“Anytime when my daughter, (she was 3 at the time), got mad at my sister, she would go and poop in her room. She got under her desk, in her closet behind some boxes, it was just absolutely ridiculous.”

#17 The Oatmeal Fiend

"'Mom, you pretty much suck at everything except for making oatmeal.' Kasper, 9 years old. Up for adoption"

#18 The Tired Tantrum

“Two years ago a friend and I took my then 5-year-old daughter on a day trip to a museum and then a St Patrick’s Day parade. We were about two hours from home for most of the day so she was understandably tired. When we arrived at the house carrying our bags, etc, she dropped them right in the middle of the living room floor, to which I said ‘Honey, I’m going to need you to take that stuff into your room’. Without missing a beat, she replied ‘I’m going to need you to go fuck yourself!’”