Celebs Who Would Make Awful Presidents

By Michael Avery in News On 1st October 2015

#1

With his bizarre 2020 presidential run announcement/mic drop moment during his Vanguard Award acceptance speech at the 2015 VMAs, Kanye West launched breathless speculation over whether or not he'll seriously run. If one of the marks of presidential quality is his or her ability to make good judgment calls, we don't need to look any further than Kanye's decision to marry Kim Kardashian. Love notwithstanding, legally linking yourself to that family has never proved anything but a disaster for any guy who's tried itjust ask Kris Humphries. On top of that, if this truly was Kanye's announcement, he spend the entire 15 minutes before it rambling incoherently about how mean everyone was after that time he interrupted Taylor Swift. That kind of immaturity wouldn't win a class president election, let alone the highest seat in U.S. government.

#2

Gwyneth Paltrow has polarized fans and naysayers with her seemingly pretentious suggestions on a variety of subjects including dieting, parenting, and exercising. Though Gwyneth's been to Capitol Hill (arguing in favor of the labeling of GMOs), she lacks the ability to relate to the everyman, which is an essential quality for winning the general election. For example, she thinks a $550 travel backgammon set is a reasonable holiday gift. She then turns around and makes laughable claims like "I'm incredibly close to the common woman," which is offensively condescending while being untrue for a variety of reasons. She doesn't need the presidency to rule over us, she's already doing that just fine on her own.

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#3

Hulk Hogan, real name Terry Bollea, might actually have had a chance at becoming president before a hidden camera caught him in a private moment during which he made some very insensitive racial remarks. Arguably the most beloved professional wrestler of all time, if Hogan had shown even the slightest political acumen, he could have easily surpassed Jesse Ventura. Yeah, you were actually thinking "Come on, there's no way a pro wrestler could get elected to an executive government position!" before that little reminder, weren't you? So thanks, Minnesota, for the precedent that might one day lead to The State of The Union starting with "If you smell what President The Rock is cooking..."

#4

We're not sure if Farrah Abraham will ever develop political aspirations, but she's certainly willing to do literally anything to remain famous, having now tackled exotic dancing, adult films, and adult toys after Teen Mom. That's a real messy start for a campaign, plus she's been caught in a bunch of lies, and has been embroiled in several scandals already, including one over waxing and tweezing her 3-year-old daughter's eyebrows. Yikes. If that's an example of Farrah's ability to take care of just one human being, imagine how she'd do with the nation's entire population. It's about time a woman gets a shot at the presidency, but we're not sure the first one should be someone you can vote for and buy a rubber mold of her body parts all in the same day.

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#5

At the very least, a president should sound authoritative. The quality of a powerful speaking voice is undeniable, as it's used to sell products and promote movies. Ted Williams, the homeless man whose viral video skyrocketed him to fame, has arguably the best voice of all time. Nicknamed "The Man With The Golden Voice," Ted quickly got a book deal and commercial work, but relapsed briefly before getting on track again. (His alcoholism was a prominent factor in his homelessness.) That sounds like a great success story about the kind of man with the strength to not let falling prevent him from getting back up again. But, if the pressure of doing a Mac & Cheese commercial sent him back to the bottle, imagine the toll nuclear non-proliferation talks would take. Sorry Ted, you can get us all jazzed about the new Jennifer Aniston rom-com, but you're not getting a secret service detail anytime soon.

#6

As we've seen with Donald Trump, having a ton of cash is the quickest, easiest way to rise to the top of the political spectrum despite having exactly zero experience in that arena. While Floyd Mayweather is on his way to half of his first billion, he certainly has enough dough to bankroll his own campaign. And that's exactly where his qualifications end. Sure, he's confident and definitely an accomplished fighter, but unfortunately the violence doesn't end with the bell. A basically unrepentant spousal abuser, Mayweather seemingly values his flashy cars and stacks of Benjamins over human life. With the multiple accusations against him, you'd think he'd only be able to dream of his millions from a jail cell, but this guy knows how to duck the penal system as well as any opponent's jab. There's already more than enough crime in politics. No yard sign for you, Floyd.

#7

An outspoken social and political activist, Ben Affleck has worked on several presidential campaigns in which he addressed voter participation, world peace and mostly every other liberal ideology of the Democratic Party. He's also interested in foreign policy, as he's heavily involved with awareness efforts regarding the Congolese civil war. Sounds like the makings of a great candidate, right? But before we register Affleck's Super PAC, let's tap the breaks for a second. As of this writing, the PBS show Finding Your Roots is still on hiatus while they deal with the fallout from a scandal involving Affleck persuading producers to scrub details about his slave-owning ancestors from his episode. We understand that in the end, politics is all about shady backroom deals, but can we at least get the usual lies of clean sweeps and new beginnings up front first? Nobody want to go to the voting booth thinking, "Well, he's a liar and manipulator, but at least he told me not to trust him right up front." You can't even fit that slogan on a button. Geez, Ben, even someone running for city council knows that.

#8

Donald Trump... nothing else needs to be said.