Craziest Reasons Kane Should Retire From Wrestling

Posted by Editorial Staff in Sports On 20th January 2017

Kane, in his time, has been one of the coolest, craziest, and most macabre characters to have ever graced World Wrestling Entertainment. Shy of The Undertaker, the Big Red Machine has probably had the darkest of story arcs (at least when he was still engaging).

But now he has become all too soft (in more ways than one). IF it looked like there was a chance that Kane could be restored to his former glory, then this author would certainly agree that he should keep slogging through the muck that is the WWE jobber position, until things returned to the way they should be, but it is certainly too late.

A character change could work for Glenn Thomas Jacobs; he could find himself playing some sort of fun loving baby-face perhaps. But there is no future for Kane other than retirement, and below are just a few of the reasons as to why that is sadly the case. Pulling that big red machine into the back yard to rust seems to be the only way out here, lest it fall apart in the ring… which certainly has begun.


#1 A Sort Of Champion

Having held over twenty championships, this big red monster has not had the number of WWE championship runs that he deserves. Again, it’s far too late for him now, but the number of tag team belts he’s brought home really makes one think that the WWE never saw Kane in the light of a true champion. In spite of the fact that he obliterated every wrestler in his way when he started out, he had a champion title reign that lasted only one day.

He did become the first wrestler to have had the World Heavyweight, ECW, and WWE championships, but he’s only ever had each once. And regarding the tag championships that he’s won… Kane should have never teamed up with anyone other than The Undertaker (which thankfully did happen for a time). To be fair, Mankind was not an unfortunate tag partner either (especially given the incredible feud between Mankind and Taker), but X-Pac, Rob Van Dam, and Daniel Bryan? Goodness no. In the words of Daniel Bryan: “No! No! No!”


#2 Corporate Kane

It is hard to not notably sigh at this point, and the article is not even near halfway through. There was a time when Kane seemingly completely gave up the ghost of his tortured, Hell-bound story… and damn near literally sent his whole career down the same road of good intentions. Technically he was a heel in this period; part of The Authority, but it was enough to lose him plenty of credibility.

Handing Stephanie McMahon his mask, Kane pledged his allegiance to her and her organization (which he did in real life, being perhaps one of the most reliable wrestlers in the business, and one of the most loved), and donned a suit and tie to reinforce the pledge. After a brief stint of him interfering with matches and getting his ass kicked, Stephanie berated him, and told him to find that “Big red monster” again. So the following week, he was masked once again, and in one version or another of his black and red jumpsuit. They really needed to make up their minds with Kane, so that the next entry wouldn’t happen, but alas…


#3 Just A Jobber Now

As aforementioned, Kane (or Glenn Thomas Jacobs) is certainly one of the most reliable and well loved wrestlers in the business today. The reason? Because he’s willing to do anything for the company if they think it’s the right direction to go in. And it’s clear that he’s willing to do anything. He’s willing to: lose the mask, lose the attitude, gain a voice, beat box, regain the mask, lose the mask, gain a suit, lose the suit, and regain the mask. There is seemingly nothing he will not do to help out around the company

Unfortunately, his dedication to the higher ups (who clearly haven’t much imagination when it comes to story these days) is what has made him nothing more than a jobber: a wrestler who turns up, helps other wrestlers reach the stars, then packs up and goes home with a decent cheque. If Jacobs wasn’t so damned nice… or if he didn’t have his insurance business and possible political career to think about, it is entirely likely that he would have really dished out some great ideas, rather than just accepting those of the horrible writers in the executive lounge.

#4 Hell No!

Yes! There have been several poorly chosen tag team partners for Kane. Admittedly, apart from The Undertaker and Mankind, Daniel Bryan is probably the next best thing that Kane could have hoped for. RVD, X-Pac and others just weren’t popular enough by the time Kane joined them to help his career in any way. However, Daniel Bryan (though not wrestling now), continues to bring character and charisma to the company.

Unfortunately, while Bryan certainly made stardom in the WWE rather quickly, in order for Kane to make the team work, he had to give up a lot of his edge… and then end up rapping, taking anger management, and getting hugs from an emotionally vulnerable Daniel Bryan. The ways in which Kane has become a mockery of what he once was is sad and revealing. What’s the revelation? It is time for Kane to take a walk. Head back home. Be with his family, and get into politics. He’ll do a good job: he’ll make all of the big wigs happy while the people lose interest. There was a reason this tag team was called “Hell no!”

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