Dating Profiles That Will Scare You

#1 Hey, don't judge. He's gonna become an airplane.

In reality, the chances of this guy becoming an airplane are very, very small. Basically zero (if we exclude Halloween outfits). The chances of him becoming an airplane pilot are higher, but who knows if he'll get that done by March (as he claims). Whether or not he ever actually becomes an airplane pilot (or dresses up as an airplane for Halloween), neither of those does anything to lessen the creepiness of this profile pic. Maybe it's the shirtlessness (on a body that should never be shirtless), or the male-pattern balding, maybe it's both (it is). Everybody has to work with what they have, the key is how you present it. Now, if this guy had a sense of humor, he could dress up as an airplane, while also noting that he was studying to become an airplane pilot. Done.

#2 Who DOESN'T wanna be beaten up?

So pretty basic stuff here. The usual goals you want your guy to have. The question is: in what order does he want to achieve these goals, and has he clearly written and mapped out exactly how he plans to achieve said goals? And furthermore, has he considered ways of monetizing these goals in a way that would allow him to provide for a family one day? We're gonna go ahead and say: not bloody likely. The real dirt on this guy is he's just into insects, pythons, boas and anacondas. And getting beaten up (because that would be hot? Is that the presumption?). Also, if he were to be eaten by a python, boa or anaconda...? You can't really come back from that. So that should be his final goal.

#3 You just haaad to do it.

First things first. How in the hell did this guy not get cast in Magic Mike XXL? At the very least he could be one of the side/extra dancers. Look at his friggin' abs! They're just there. Waiting to be used. You're gonna let shredded beef like this just go to waste? Joe Manganiello? Channing Tatum? They got nothing on this prince of pleasure. And it's a good thing he wore his sunglasses. Seeing his eyes AND his abs - in the same shot - would too much. Just way too much.

#4 Sorry, ladies. He WAS a virgin.

This homeboy's really casting his net wide. Everybody knows that fluoride is toxic waste, everybody knows that Nutrasweet and msg are suspected neurotoxins (he spelled it "neurotixins" but those aren't a thing; neurotoxins are), nobody is a sheep (because they're a human on a dating site; unless he's being metaphorical...), sleepwalking has been outlawed by the government - so nobody does that anymore, everybody knows what chemicals are and MOST IMPORTANTLY - everybody with a brain in their head knows the government obvi staged 9/11. Duh. This guy should have said, message me if you're a woman. Even though he's not a virgin anymore.

#5 Deuces!

Wait, what is he good- oh, nevermind, it's right there. Sex. Hey - he's good at sex! That's awesome! Everybody loves sex. Especially "baby gurl's" (that was creepy to write, even though it's a direct quote from the sexpot above). The thing this kid's figured out is that girls- sorry, gurls - love it when you tell them, without apology or shame, that all you really want them for is sex. That's why The Notebook is so popular with gurls. All Gosling's character really wanted to do was bang McAdams character. Right? Isn't that the plot? The Notebook's a bang story. And also, side P.S., this kid looks like a baby gurl.

#6 Looks like fat-free milk healthy.

Is there a milk-in-toilet meme out there that we don't know about? If there isn't, then what the hell does this picture mean, what is it saying, what's this guy referencing, why, why and a million more why's? Also, as a general rule, not only should you stay away from toilets in your dating profile pics, just skip the bathroom altogether. Even if you're not rich and you don't live in a mansion, there's gotta be other rooms in the house. Or apartment, or wherever you live. Just no bathroom. That's all you have to remember. And if you can't remember that, then at least remember no milk in toilets. You don't know who's gonna be looking at this and what their lactose tolerance may or may not be.

#7 Sexy towel.

So here's the thing about Mr. Left Eye... He has at least one friend. Somebody took this picture of him, which means this also should have been the same person that advised him on not using it for a dating profile pic (to say nothing of his answer for what he spends most of his time thinking about). The grown-man-wrapped-in-a-towel look just doesn't work. It's more of a kid look. But ultimately this is just splitting hairs. Everything in this picture just shouldn't be.

#8 Mr. Perfect.

There's a lot going with this guy, besides his beautiful smile. Let's start from the top. According to dressed-like-a-gangster-from-the-30's, men are better than woman because nature. Any questions? Good. Moving on. Is it ok to not be physically perfect? No, you idiot, and we quote: "people need to take care of themselves before they take care of another." Aka common sense. How can a woman take care of a man if her body isn't bangin'? She can't. It's impossible. And trust us, with this guy, you will be expected to take care OF him. Lastly, abortion. He's not down. His genes are so perfect, destroying them would be hurting the world. Also, he just seems like a cool guy.

#9 She has a great skill.

Contrary to her belief, we checked with racism and the results came back positive: it is, in fact, racist to call someone the n-word in your head, even if you have black friends. Who knew, right? She didn't (and for sure, still doesn't). She's obviously a little kookoo-crazy because the logic of what she's saying... there's no logic to what she's saying. If you call people the n-word, out loud or in your head, you could be BFF's with Martin Luther King, Jr. - you're still racist.

#10 A man of contradiction. Hot.

All it takes is one tiny question to completely explode this man's shaky worldview of universal oneness. Translation: he's a human being who identifies with nothing other than his humanness. Having said that, where the white bitches at?

#11 He gon' make you squart, then have an oegamiom!

The good thing is he's not a red-faced, perverted 45-year-old alcoholic that still parties like he's in college and wants to make 20-year-olds "squart." As evidenced in what he's written, this man reads, studies, spells great and pays hyper-attention to detayle. Sorry. Detail.

#12 They call him The Liberator.

Despite the gross liberation comment, he picked a solid profile pic. Double chins - always a plus. Also, what's up with that landline phone? How do the Internet (upon which this picture is posted) and that phone exist in the same universe? Just sayin'.

#13 Not Scary...

Little dating tip. Never put the phrase "woman shooting" anywhere ever on your profile. And while you're at it, maybe save the "no teeth" thing for the third or fourth date. Don't front load the relationship. Save some good stories for later, woman shooter.

#14 Sometimes a six-pack isn't enough.

Women love being referred to as sluts. You're right on track, buddy.

#15 Guns and beer. The ultimate aphrodisiac #shirtlessoveralls.

AND his dad smokes hella weed? This guy's got it all, including excellent genes.

#16 ONLY a three time sex offender.

Yes, they were violent sex-crimes but it only happened THREE TIMES. It's not like this guy went out and committed FOUR violent sex-crimes. Everybody deserves a secon- or, fourth chance? It'd be fourth chance, right?

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