Name That Drunk!

#1 The Lightweight

The poor lightweight is no fun when it comes to going out for the night. Either because their body can't handle it or they are just an inexperienced drinker, it only takes one or three glasses of champipple to get them dazed and confused. The Lightweight's low tolerance is an enviable thing to many professional drunkards, who spend a fortune of the booze, and waste time, gain calories and damage their livers trying to achieve the same effects. We suggest drinking alone in your apartment and watching Ab Fab to remedy this. Practice makes perfect. Come back out when you can drink with the big boys.

#2 Sappy Sucker

They love you. Really, you don't understand just how much they dig you, man. The Sappy Sucker will shed a few crocodile tears as they repeat over and over again just how much you mean to them and how important you are in their life. Before long you may find yourself being caught up in a few uncomfortable hugs and gropes since they just love you so much they never want to let you go. All you can do now is hope the alcohol works it's course and puts them into a light slumber.

#3 The Poison Drunk

If you've ever been so hammered that you forgot you were already hammered when you ordered that 7th round, you might be a Poison Drunk. You come uncomfortably close to alcohol poisoning. But it's not like his friends are going to stop drinking on your account so they begin playing a game of 'keep the beer away from the drunk'. If you wake up feeling like you were pushed or shoved it's probably because your pals had to roll you into bed the night before. Being passed out drunk is not fun for anyone so try to know when to cut yourself off. Sure, it's fun to cut loose, but please don't make us responsible for your death. That's just more work for everyone.

#4 The Hyper Drunk

Are you tired, worn out, need a break? These guys don't. Maybe it's time for alcohol! The Hyper Drunk can be a tricky one since they can be the life of the party or they can become totally unruly and boisterous within mere minutes. They laugh, they have fun, and before you know it, they're jumping on the beds and screaming so loud that you both get thrown out of the hotel room and are forced to sleep on a park bench. Still, we find ourselves in awe of this energetic condition. Buzz on our friends, buzz on.

#5 The Dead Giveaway

You couldn't possibly let anyone you know see you in this condition. What would they think? You are always asking, as you gulp down another shot, "Do I look drunk? Tell me I'm not that drunk." Okay, the truth is, you look really wasted but we're not going to tell you any different because we don't know any better since we're drunk off our asses as well. You look fine, nobody will notice, and in reality, it's a safe bet to assume that nobody will actually care either.

#6 Fun Loving Drunk

Don't you just wish this was the type of drunk you were? Just get one of these types a little tipsy and all the fun starts to happen. They become chatty, comfortable, and make the party start groovin' with their moves. Even if they don't have the moves, it's fun to pretend they do because we all know that the next day we're going to see tons of photos they are tagged in, always looking like they're the life of the party and with lots of people hanging around them.

#7 Morning After Drunk

If you wake up with a little afterglow or slight buzz, or maybe you've never gone to bed from the night before, you could be a Morning After drunk. You try to stumble into work as though everything is fine and dandy, carefully doing your job so that no one will notice that you are not quite ready for prime time. Every little sound is piercing straight through your brain and your body aches, but you still feel pretty good, or at least good enough to do this stinking job. When last night's festivities are carried over to the next day it's a pretty good sign that you can't handle that much alcohol.

#8 The Day Drunk

You're sitting alone on a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon and you've got no place else to be or nothing to worry about. You're soaking up the rays, sipping on a few cold ones and munching on some left over Little Ceasars $5.00 pizza and the world is your oyster. You are a skillful drunk. We're not sure where you get all the drive from, but it's the determination to stay awake and drunk for at least 12 hours straight and ignore the time of day that makes you a true hero.

#9 The Ambitious Drunk

Remember all those unrealistic dreams we used to have? They never came to fruition because we grew up and became adults. Don't let that stop you. There's something called alcohol that will change that outlook, even if only until the stupor wears off. Let's start that band! Let's take a sailboat around the horn of Africa! Yeah, that the ticket, let's do that. A world without an ambitious drunk is a bleak and colorless place. Who will remodel the restore that old Pontiac in the garage tomorrow, or open that store that only sells to left handed people? These guys get a lot of credit for keeping their dreams alive.

#10 The Deep Drunk

Give this type of drinker a few glasses of wine and sit right down for an intense one-sided conversation on how the universe works and what life is really all about. Grand thoughts can be found tumbling out of the head of The Deep Drunkard. All you 'll need to do is ask how things are going then sit back and enjoy the ride, making sure to keep direct eye contact the entire time. They'll tell you every deep thought they harbor in the dark corners of their minds. A conversation with The Deep Drunkard can range anywhere from the philosophical observations of the best modern day performers to the pretentious explanations of a college student attempting to impress you with things he doesn't understand. If this is you when you drink, stop that crap. It's a brunch, not the Matrix.

#11 The Bummer

It's like this.. We wanted a night out to relax and enjoy ourselves, but who knew we were bringing along The Bummer? We love laughing at our friend's story's and listening to how shitty their week has gone, but once they have a couple of beers and start dragging out old childhood memories and how sad and alone they are it's game over. If therapy is what you need then call Dr. Phil. Otherwise, stop bringing down the vibe.

#12 Angry Drunk

The kind of drunk you never want to invite out for drinks after work. This guy is just waiting for a reason to be offended and let everyone in the whole damn bar know what he feels and thinks. Don't piss him off by disagreeing with his views. He'll walk home if he has too! The server took too long, is she deliberately ignoring him? You don't like the same sports team or bands, how dare you! Whatever you do, don't piss this drunk off or there will be a bar brawl.

#13 Promiscuous Girl

This is the sweet girl next door who is easily transformed into the skank next door with just a few cheap bottles of booze. She "ain't the kind of girl you take home to mama," but hey, it's a party right? You may see her falling all over everyone who crosses her path, probably talking in unfiltered sexual innuendo. Don't be a bit surprised if you find the Promiscuous Girl in the closet or bathroom swapping spit with a guy, or maybe another girl. It's her night to howl.

#14 A Couple of Drunks

Being in a relationship is hard enough without adding alcohol into the mix. All that pent up aggression just comes rolling out after a few glasses of the bubbly, and everything you hate about one another becomes disastrously magnified. While you two are busy duking it out you've not noticed that all your friends had disappeared one by one. This can become old really quick, but don't stop on our account. It gives us someone to talk about in between get togethers.

#15 The Drink & Drown

Try to avoid the Drink and Drown Drunk as much as possible. Seriously, this drunkard is characterized by a loss of control over their own bodily fluids. Oh yes, we said fluids. They cry, they vomit, and sometimes they even pee all over your sofa while passed out after the party. Keep the phone number of a good taxi company on speed dial before they make an even bigger asshole of themselves. Besides, who's going to want to clean up after that?

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