People Share Their Most Embarrassing 'Self-Pleasure' Stories

#1 An old woman’s pubes.

Was 13, saw the pubes of a 50-year-old (maybe even older) woman, went into the bathroom and spanked the monkey. Not proud of myself

#2 Christiane Danielle Williams

My best friend told me that one time he got home from school, thinking he beat everyone home, and decided it was a good time to log into his favorite porn site to jerk off. He said he was too busy "violently cumming" to hear when his dad walked into the room. His dad cleared his throat and my friend made eye contact with him, penis in hand. My best friend lowered his head quietly, logged off the porn site, and then shut down the computer. Once the screen went black, his dad left.

#3 Pizza dough.

Hear me out: I worked in a restaurant for a few years, and we had to make pizza dough and cut it into small 250g portions and rolling them into balls of dough. After a while, being a horny 16-17yo, I noticed the pizza dough had a really similar feeling as boobs, and even a similar shape. So at the end of one of my shifts, I left with 3 of these dough balls and went back home.

Once alone at home, I got them out, started feeling them like they were boobs, but it didn't get me hot like I thought it would. So I made a incision in one of them, put a condom on, and started fucking that little dough ball like crazy, while groping/sucking on the others (let these titties ones in Ziploc bags, I didn't really want to suck on raw dough).

It did the job, but then I was so ashamed, I had a bit of trouble cutting / rolling pizza dough without laughing at myself for how much of a loser I was, having sex with pizza dough.

#4 My mom’s panties.

My mother's underwear. I did not do it because they were hers, but because they were women's underwear. WTH was I thinking?

#5 Orgy porn of lesbians with Adam’s apples.

Was watching a female lesbian orgy porn on cable when I was a teen. Fapped and came with the force of thousand suns, after I cleaned myself up I noticed every one of those ladies had an Adam's apple.

#6 Belinda Blake

I'm from Canada, and around the time of 9/11, I was taking a bus trip across the United States. I brought my vibrator with me and was feeling a bit frisky, so I decided to use it in the bathroom before getting on my next bus. I went in the stall and started going to town and I guess I must have forgotten to lock the door because a woman opened the door when I was in the middle of orgasming. I was so embarrassed that I just threw the vibrator in my purse as was and went to catch my bus. Well, since 9/11 happened, they decided to check everyone's bags for extra security. I had a security guard pull my used vibrator, which I never got to wash off, out of my purse, in front of hundreds of people waiting in the line. I was mortified.

#7 The sound of my roommate and his girlfriend banging.

The sound of my roommate and his gf (also was a roommate) banging. She would moan so loud the entire apartment building could hear. They'd go at it for a half hour I'd just walk out into the living room, with all the lights off, wearing nothing and shoot my load and go back to bed.

#8 Jo Hee Bennette

My dad walked in on me in high school, and I couldn't get my vibrator to shut off, so I kept talking to cover the humming noises. On another note, I walked in on him in our study watching porn and he couldn't get the remote to change the channel, so I guess we are even.

#9 Paul Foster

In between 18 hours of flights, I decided to have a go in the airport restroom. Three days of pre-flight stress and lack of free time caught up with me, and I missed the paper towels that I brought into the stall with me. I stayed silent, but I'm pretty sure the person in the stall next to me saw a questionable substance hit the floor with a ridiculous velocity. My black sneakers and black khakis became an unfortunate wardrobe choice for the rest of my travels.

#10 Dirty messages from Dad’s ex-girlfriend.

When I was a teenager I found some audio files with gibberish names on my Dad's iTunes account. turned out to be a series of dirty messages he had saved from his ex-girlfriend. I copied them to a flash drive and jacked off to them for a week or two.

#11 thecarter95.

Recently I came out, and as a gift, my best friends took me to a sex store and bought me a lot of toys. So when I came back from college on spring break, I stayed at my father's house. One day while everyone was away I decided to whip out my new dildo; I was totally in my own world, and didn't hear my father open the front door to the house. But somehow, by the grace of god, I heard him coming to my bedroom door. I hurried and threw the comforter over my entire body, mind you that my new vibrating dildo was still in my ass and at high speed. My father came bursting in the room and commanded me to take out the trash. I nodded, but my father looked at me before storming out of the room and said: "What are you waiting for? NOW!" I put my pants on, and wrapped the lubed-up dildo in my brother's comforter and took out the trash.

#12 Trent Taylor

A friend of mine lives in my apartment building two floors below me. One day, he made a Facebook status about how some guy in his building has sex every morning at the same time and that he is really loud. I messaged him and asked him the time frame, and he told me it's between 10 a.m. and 11 a.m. in the morning. I tell him that's funny because I'm usually up then, and I never heard the noise. Then I thought about my "daily routine" and messaged him back. I mentioned that the guy was actually me and what he heard in the morning was not sex. He continued to laugh hysterically and reposted that the mystery was solved. I tried to change my routine, or at least tried to control my volume for a little bit after that.

#13 An erotic dream about Janeane Garofalo.

When I was twelve I had a dream that Janeane Garofalo and I were in a playhouse in my back yard. She pee'd her pants and then pulled a urine saturated wash cloth from her jeans. She got embarrassed and left. Then I grabbed the washcloth and sucked the pee out of it.

When I woke up I was simultaneously weirded out and aroused by the dream's subject matter.

I beat it like it owed me money.

#14 This one’s sad.

I once masturbated through tears as I listened to my wife make love to a stranger over the intercom.

My wife and I had an open relationship. We were young and dumb and it was never smooth. I guess when we acted on it, it actually began a long, slow, painful death of our relationship.

This incident took place way late in the marriage. We'd bought a house with having space and other lovers living with us in mind. As time went on, space between us became more important than having room for other lovers living with us.

By this time, I was living in the mother-in-law apartment and she was living in the main house. She and my lover had gone to some sort of conference together. I don't remember what it was even about, but there they met this photographer guy. Some weeks after the conference, he came to visit.

My wife and I were not very close by this time, maybe even talking about divorce. I don't remember.

I'd never gotten around to removing the intercom the prior owners had installed and I have to admit part of the reason why was so I could listen to her in the main house. Well, this night was hard.

She was having sex with this guy and I always found the sound of her excited breathing so very erotic.

Soturned on by her breathing and saddened by the fact that our marriage was dying and that she wasn't making love with me, she wasn't breathing that way with me, I masturbated and cried at the same time. I was all over the place.

I eventually got around to removing the intercom.

We divorced, she remarried and moved away.

I've decided to abandon the house.