Reasons Why Men Should Never Wear Skinny Jeans

#1 There's A Crime Happening

Despite efforts to put an end to this hideous fashion crime, the trends is continuing to spread. If you, dear male reader, remains uncertain about this strange phenomenon (and perhaps thinking of jumping the bandwagon) take a look at the following pictures and see the atrocity that continues to be perpetrated. Conan here does a good job of showing off just how stupid guys look in skinny jeans. Do you want to look like this? We didn't think so.

#2 These May Be Women's Jeans

You know who skinny jeans worked for? Robert Plant. Dude used to shamelessly dress up as a woman, circa 1970 no less. You know why? Cause he was packing a goddamn baby's arm in his Fruit o' the Looms. You probably aren't, so let our imagination work in your favor.

#3 Skinny Jeans In Different Colors: Double Whammy

Come on, guys. It's important to express yourself, but if this is how you choose to dress maybe it's better to act like someone else.

#4 250 Pounds Of Macho In A 10 Pound Sack

If you're a bigger guy, they just look absurd. You're going to look like you had the pants on as a child and grew up inside of them. That's gotta hurt. Your favorite new saying is "Ouch, I just sat on my nutsack."

#5 That's A Recipe For A Wrecking Ball

You know you're not a fat kid. But your skinny jeans don't, and they won't hesitate to treat you like one. When the only meat on your bones is bulging out in front of you, it's probably time to change your clothing choices. Unless that's the look you were going for, then, Bravo!

#6 Pseudo-Transparency

Narrow-legged pants will broadcast the entire contents of your pockets to the rest of the world. In addition to condoms, this information should prove valuable to petty thieves, lunchroom bullies, and the TSA.

#7 Moose Knuckle

The male camel toe, also commonly known as the moose knuckle, is not attractive for anyone. Despite the constant junk-rearrangement and inability to effectively keep track of the whereabouts of your left testicle, these pants do allow others to sample the goods before purchasing.

#8 The Center Of Attention

These pants attract attention, just not the kind you're looking for. Chicks just don't dig dudes who creak like the Tin-Man when they walk. All that's missing here is the Faux-hawk!

#9 Skinny AND Flat

So, like, hey dude, where yo ass at? Skinny jeans were made for straight, stick-like women, not full figured men. Actually, if you need to wear a belt to hold up skinny jeans, there's something terribly wrong.

#10 They Fit You In 8th Grade

Something is really wrong here. You can't have these muscles and still want skinny jeans!

#11 No Sex For You

You know what'll make your soldier go soft faster than a tranny granny porno? That awkward moment when you have to pause foreplay for five minutes to Cirque-du-Soleil yourself out of your new pants. Got skinny legs? Want to make them look worse? Wear skinny jeans. Enough said!

#12 You Can't Look Hip In Skinny Jeans

The only thing you're bringing back is despair. You do not want this. You don't.

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