Security Guards Come Clean With The Craziest Things They've Seen!

#1 A recent Reddit thread asked security guards, "What is the craziest thing you've seen?" The guards definitely represented.

Reddit User kswervedirt had this to say:

"My friend complained that someone inexplicably moved his car to a business across the street from the place where my mom ran security. We looked at the tape. After some searching, we saw his car start rolling backward, downhill, from his parking spot with no one in it. It turned perfectly to exit the lot and rolled across the street. Entering another lot, it again turned and came to a rest in a parking spot. It missed poles, other cars, and curbs in this 70 or so yard jaunt. Luckiest shit I ever saw."

cillogreen had this to say:

"I'm a dispatcher for a hospital police department (yes, some hospitals have actual police). My job is to sit in a box and watch cameras and answer phones. I've seen a bunch of shit here but these are a few favorites:

a drunk homeless man getting kicked out of the waiting room for showing his dick to people and then stumbling out down the sidewalk, dick still out, falling down until 2 city cops picked him up.

two different semi trucks less than 24 hours apart running into the main building in almost the exact same spot.

people getting literally pushed out of cars in front of our ED with gunshot wounds while their friends speed off and leave them on the sidewalk to die.

and my absolute favorite: - Watching one of my officers in the cruiser literally blasting that "it's my party" song by Miley Cyrus and dancing his ass off at 3am in parking garage."

Even though imsair is not a guard, his security camera picked up some interesting actions.

"I'm not a security guard, but I work in the reception of a hotel and we have 24/7 camera's running. One day, out of boredom I went through the footage of the night before and saw some guy tackling our large pot plant at 3am in the morning before setting it up again and bowing to it in apology."

StoryPost wasn't expecting this:

"Back when I was a security guard for a bank in LA, I saw some crazy things. You see, I would sit in the back room, monitoring every part of the building via security cameras, and occasionally I'd walk around to scope out the place. This was a high-profile bank, so I was always on high alert.

One time, just when I sat back down to review the monitors again, I saw a group of men surrounding the door. They weren't wearing ski masks, and they actually looked pretty normal. Keep in mind that it was 2 A.M.

All of a sudden (I'm not joking), they all pulled down their pants, sat down on the cement (right outside of the bank door), and started masturbating. They sat there and did it for 30 minutes before the last one finished. I just sat there watching... I am ashamed..."

#2 Apparently being a Security Guard means knowing everything... even the things you don't want to know.

tacofaerie ended up seeing this"

"Heard a story going round the base about a donkey show that a Soldier recorded on the base's security camera. Mind you, this is in a backwoods place between Iran and Pakistan. Sometimes you need to know whats going on outside base after dark. So I go into the HQ and ask the camera operator, "Heard you have the video of the Donkey Show." He proceeded to show me the recording of a local man wrestling a donkey to the ground, dropping his pajama pants and tenderly loving said donkey in the missionary position."

negativekarmaopinion had this experience:

"I knew the loss prevention guy at k-mart. He showed me a video of a blonde girl who worked in the women's clothing department. You couldn't see her face, but I remember saying "Oh, shit, this chick is pretty hot. Don't tell me what happens. I want it to be a surprise." He starts laughing hysterically. I think it's in anticipation of this girl falling or something.

The girl is stocking random returns from a cart when she stops, looks to see if anyone is watching, and starts to furiously masturbate. About 3 minutes into the act, she obviously comes; throws her head back and nearly falls over. That's when I see her face. It's my cousin. I didn't even know she worked there."

Fatpuppysmahm got to see this:

"Housekeeping found a mysterious turd in a planter in front of Macys. They called us to talk about how gross is was. We decided to do some play back and found the culprit. One of the elderly mall walkers that come before the stores open had shit himself, shook his pant leg, let the turd drop, picked it up, and placed it in the planter. We saved the video and titled it "The Mad Pooper"

Also we had a security guard get explosive diarrhea on the Segway and left a trail of shit on his way back to the office. He denied it but the camera doesn't lie."

#3 Some of these things are just mind-blowing.

TheDurtOne:

"While a shoplifter was running from us and heading into a wooded area, my supervisor started barking like a dog. We couldn't see the woman and couldn't hear her running anymore, but we saw her tracks in the snow. My supervisor keeps barking and yells that he is going to send the dog in after her. She screams that she is giving up and to not send the dog in. We get her cuffed and the whole way walking back to our office she is freaking out about how she is afraid of dogs and to keep it away from her... She never caught on that there was no dog."

Arg3nt made sure to never cross his supervisor on that job!

"First day working a retail security job. I show up a few minutes early, and witness a man dressed in the company's uniform getting tossed into the back of a police car by about 4 officers. He's freaking out, struggling against them, screaming at the top of his lungs, and is one very, very small step away from getting hit with a stun gun or pepper spray. To this day, I'm amazed at their restraint.

After getting inside, I discovered that he was the previous security guy, and that they had coordinated his arrest with the police for the start of my shift. Per my new boss: "Not because we wanted to scare you. We just didn't want a gap in coverage."

Turns out, the guy had made off with something in the vicinity of $25k worth of goods over the previous couple of months, and only got caught because he was stupid and greedy."

Hamk-X's father used to be a guard, and so he shared his tales:

"My father used to be a guard at an art museum and thus I had to listen to the stories of all sorts of obnoxious things he has been through. My favorites:

A woman was changing her babies shit filled diaper... on the cafe counter. He told her she had to take it to the bathroom, she replied with a hysterical "DON'T YOU CALL MY BABY DIRTY, MY BABY IS CLEAN!" Sure it is. And the brown goo is pudding?

One evening, he was making his rounds, giving the whole "15 minutes to closing" routine when he caught a Scandinavian couple in an obstructed corner starting to get hot and heavy. The place was empty by that point, so he kinda just laughed, told them to take it outside, got a "Ya, Ya" and moved on. He came back 10 minutes later to give the 5 minute warning, and there they were again, him fingerbanging the shit out of her against a wall. He give them a glare, say "get out, we're closed". They sheepishly start to follow him out, but right before they reach the door, he turns around and they are all of 10 feet behind him, again against a wall, this time with her hands down his pants. Half laughing, half infuriated he yells "GET THE FUCK OUT!" and they scurried off. Damn those ice people...

After hearing about when he was working a wedding for a Canadian couple, I had all of my stereotypes confirmed. They were all super nice, a great deal of them were rocking the denim on denim look, the first dance was a Bryan Adams-song and they ran out of alcohol within the first hour and sent the groom's father out on a whiskey run in which he returned with 20 more handles (all of which they ran out of by the end of the night).

Once, he was making his rounds and caught a kid, probably about 7 years old, standing extremely close to one of the paintings, giving it a kind of hypnotized stare. Slowly the kid leaned in and began to stick his tongue out, inching closer and closer to the painting. Baffled, my dad closed in on him and yells out "HEY!" The kid jolts his head towards him, shooting him his best "OH SHIT"-eyes, turns back to the painting, gives it a monstrous lick, and books it the fuck out of the museum. Nobody ever caught him.

I think there are a great deal more, but its been a while since, so I don't remember them all..."

Chainweasel trained this poor guy:

"Not my current security Gig but when I did security in Obetz, Ohio. I was training a new guard, an Immigrant from Somalia, I can't remember his name but he was very unfamiliar with everything about America. One night around 3am we saw a skunk walking around outside of our guard shack, My trainee had never seen one before and asked what it was. I explained that it was a Skunk and exactly what would happen if he got too close to it. Well he didn't believe me and decided it looked like a cat, he got sprayed and I made him stand outside the shack. It was also his first winter in Ohio."

#4 Of course, nothing beats when a mother gets involved,Drunken_Black_Belt shares this story:

"Was working Loss Prevention for a major retailer. Was a slow day, not many people in the store, and no thieves. I had just gotten settled, and my manager M, and coworker S (both females) were chatting away. I sat down at the cameras, and within a minute I see this young couple walk in. And I mean young. 13/14 at most.

The couple walks straight into the lower level entrance, and then proceeds to head to one of the fitting rooms, without picking up anything. This happens somewhat often, people wanting to spice up the sex life by trying it somewhere new. Or in this case, actually just have some time to themselves, being so young. Usually we just kick them out, but if it's a extreme case, like their are children in the immediate area, we will call the cops and detain them.

I let my co workers know what's up, and head downstairs to interrupt. I approach the fitting room stall, and can see under the door a pair of feet and another set of legs, on it's knees. I knock and tell them I'm with store security and need them to exit the fitting room. I hear some shuffling, and the male attempts to just walk by me casually saying "We were trying stuff on". I block the fitting room exit, and basically give them the "we are just kicking you out, but you're lucky" speech, when the radio crackles to life.

S: Hey Drunken_Black_Belt, M says hold them there.

I see the kid's eyes go wide, and immediatly begin to sweat.

Kid: M?

DBB: Yea that's my boss

K: She about 32? Lesbian but looks like a dude?

And then he goes on to describe my boss to a T.

DBB: Yea? You know her?

Kid: She used to date my mom

M comes down, and says "Julio! WTF are you thinking? You think you're momma is going to like this? She raised you better than that? Hell so did I! And you, Missy! You think this is love? Blowing someone in a fitting room? You're better than this dumbass!"

She basically just ripped into him for 5 solid minutes before telling him she'd be in touch with his mom later, and made him leave. Now, I've had some moment's where I had to keep my shit together. Whether it was the mother who cursed me out when she found out I wasn't Christian, despite the fact I was tallying all the clothes she had just stolen. Or the kid who tried to convince me that song by Akon were "the songs of his people" and I was denying his rights to sing them in the holding room of our office. Or the Pauly D wanna be who was so busy trying to get his dick wet with my coworker S that he stole right in front of us without realizing it. But I have NEVER lost it as hard as I did when M was ripping into this kid. It was glorious. Imagine the fear of your mom yelling at you, except she wasn't your mother anymore so there wasn't that guaruntee she'd hold back out of love.

That's just one of my stories I've had while working LP and security."Â

#5 That's not the only sex related story, elevators, stairwells, halls and just about everywhere tends to house the horny. Poor guards are front row.

Snowy1234Â shares:

"I've seen two drunk guys watch a grannie masturbate.

They were sat down in the middle of a hospital car park, busy daytime, and she was stood in front if them. hoisted up her skirt and went at it. When it was over they clapped and all three walked off."

And JCrowley2478Â added this:

"Worked security years ago at SEARS and saw a young woman hide in the middle of a circular clothes rack. Her boyfriend then proceeded to lean forward into the rack hips first. She unzipped his fly and went down on him. The camera was right above the rack when she was doing this."

It's not limited to the US, either. Anglicanweasel has this story to tell:

"Note: I do not work in the US.

Not a security guard, just a policeman. When I was but a little policeman and unschooled in the ways of the Force, I was sent out on the beat with my tutor, who showed me the ropes, made sure I didn't get run over at checkpoints and generally ensured that I neither endangered myself or the public while I struggled to achieve basic competence.

We were out on the beat at about four in morning in this particular flat complex. It was huge, nearly six hundred flats, and the residents were constantly smashing the street lighting so it was extremely dark. We're wandering about, policing the beejesus out of nothing in particular, when I hear this weird groaning sound coming from the playground. Junkies frequently went there to shoot up, so the possibility of finding someone passed out, dead or generally speaking in poor shape were non-zero. We ramble over in direction of the sound and I take out my torch. I turn it on and try to find the source of the groaning.

My torch finally alights on a see saw in the middle of the playground and I see a woman in short skirt, belly top and generally dolled up for a night out lying on the see-saw. She's in her early forties and to be honest, she's a bit on the rough looking side - though the fact she looks like she's been shot with a makeup gun set to "trollop" didn't help. She was somewhat the worse for drink and she was doing all the groaning and moaning.

There's another woman, fishnets, short skirt, similar sort of appearance to the first, lying on the see saw with her head underneath the first woman's skirt. I can only presume she was giving her pal a severe tongue lashing.

This is not what I was expecting at all and I'm pretty much rooted to the spot with horror as this deeply unattractive female noshs away at the other with every appearance of enjoyment. They don't seem to be taking any notice of the light and the second girl is just grinding away like she was eating a pie.

My tutor walks up beside me and gives the loudest stage cough I've ever heard.

"AHEM - Sharon love, take that indoors would you?"

Sharon (he'd arrested her before apparently) realises that we're there and tries to attract the second woman's attention by hitting her on the head. Then possibly the worst thing I have ever seen happened.

The second woman realises that they have an audience, panics and proceeds to be noisily sick while her head is trapped under Sharon's skirt. They roll off the see saw in a mess of arms and legs and eventually stagger to their feet.

My tutor just sighs and says, "Just go home ladies please."

I will never forget seeing those two drunken women rolling home, Sharon walking with her legs apart like a cowboy in a western, leaving a trail of vomit after her like a snail. All while loudly cursing her drunk friend. It was hideousness - I couldn't look at a woman for about a week afterwards.

And that was how I began to seriously consider the attractions of homosexuality."

#6 The things they experience can be just plain out disgusting.

As fluffyfistoffury shares:

"I worked as a supervisor for security at a hospital and part of our job was to assist the the funeral homes with the removal of the dead bodies from the morgue so they didnt take the wrong one. One day I got a call from another security gaurd for assistance. I get there and they were attempting to roll out a 550lbs man on a cart made to haul people no heavier then 300lbs. The wheels broke and this massive corpse rolls under the main trash bin for the hospital near the vehicle they were attempting to load the body into. I call 5 other hospital employees to assist with pulling this body out from under the bin and lift him into the van. Now this is were it gets a little gross. I was the main person supporting this body as we rolled him into the van becasue I was fairly used to dead bodies and this one was in a body bag so it wasn't that bad. We just started to get him into the van and everybody backs away thinking we have him all the way into the vehicle. I know we dont because the body started to roll back out. I gripped what I thought was the bag but ended up grabbing skin and torn it away from the body as the body began to roll out on top of me. For those of you that dont know, body bags are not air/fluid tight. At this point all the fluids leaking from his body where I tore him open and the fluid that came out from him falling off the cart (piss/shit) were now leaking down my neck and into my shirt."

#7 There are all the drunks;

As whitecollarredneck has experienced:

"It wasn't on camera, but in person. I'm a guard for a mixed commercial/residential property with college apartments over some restaurants.

I walk out the front door of the building and see a very drunk guy holding a stick like a wand. He is pointing it at an apartment 2 floors up, where a group of people had gathered at an open window. The drunk guy with the "wand" was swishing it through the air and yelling "Expecto patronum" over and over. I stood and watched this for a minute or so, and someone from the apartment above yelled "We don't even know who this guy is!"

I shrugged and watched the guy for a little longer before going back to my rounds. Who am I to interfere with wizard business?"

And so has Brutalsexattack:

"used to work surveillance at a casino. this is the story of the white ninja. a kid got booked for trespassing when a porter dragged him to the police substation on property. we reviewed the footage and it was startling.

you see the kid stumbling down the back alley, then shimmy underneath the rear vehicle gate. he was visibly drunk, but went straight for the rear loading dock door. it was propped open for some reason. he gets near the door, but seems to hear something so he stops and puts his back to the wall right outside of it.

this big black porter (6'1'', 220) comes out the back door, and this drunk kid (5'11'', 175, 24 years old) attacks him like a sloshed jason bourne. white ninja tries to choke the porter, but the porter suplexes him to the ground. the fight has gone out of the kid already, and the next few minutes of the video is the porter dragging the punk through the back of house hallways to the police substation. he was reading him the riot act the whole time. we never found out what the white ninja's plan was."

#8 the mentally ill...

TheVoiceOfRiesen tells us:

I'm an armed security officer at an army base (private company, not MP or state worker). Nothing on camera, but we are close to a recovery house for homeless addicts, some of whom are mentally ill. The weirdest thing to happen is a man with a space blanket around his waist approached the gate and said he was a Vietnam vet and wanted permission to kill again. When denied entry, he, in one leap, jumped to the top of the gate. The guy on duty got a sidearm real quick."

GregariousOrigamist shares:

"Contracted to work at a childen's hospital that is adjoined to a regular hospital with a psych ward. On post one morning and saw a guy running butt ass naked down the road with the regular hospitals overweight in house guard chasing him. About 10 seconds later the guard weezing and panting gave up and then radioed for PD to help."

#9 and the dumbfounding things to deal with.

dericknoetzel has a few tales to tell:

"I used to work in a pharmaceutical factory and we hired the weirdest people.

One guy got fired because on his outdoor tour (tour=patrol) late at night, he met his girlfriend at a fence bordering the property, and got a blowjob through the fence, all on camera.

One particularly weird older lady with rotten teeth (not that important to the story) swapped a shift with me overnight, and when it came time for her to cover my shift (which was the following night shift I had covered for her), she called out and I was the only person who could cover. This would have been fine but I was commuting to community college at the time and when I got the call to come in, I hadn't slept from the night before because of my class schedule. I ended up staying awake for 41 hours, and had never been up longer than 30 hours at that point. By 36 hours awake during this shift I started hallucinating and on my tours I thought every inanimate object was a person doing something. I thought I caught people having sex only to find out it was a parked fork lift, and also could have sworn I had a beaver run over my feet in the administrative office, and I fell over from it.

Edit: Another one. My first night in training, the person training me got fired for watching porn on the security computers, somehow while I was on the shift with him the whole time. I never understood how that was possible.

Could have been worse, but there are always great security stories. Security guards have so much behind the scenes knowledge of the goings on at their posts."

This deleted user had shared;

"This reminds me of one awful incident that happened to me when I just started working in casino surveillance. It was about 8pm and I went on a break and in my typical fashion, I walked around the building to get some fresh air. I liked to get away from the cameras and knew a few choice places where I could stand outside that were away from the prying eyes of the CCTV.

So there I was minding my own business, taking a break from it all, when this "kid" approached me who looked like the fluke man from the X-files - he looked about 14, was bald, sickly pale and had sores all over his face. He explained to me that he had cancer in its advanced stages and to look at him you knew it instantly. I was so taken back by how ghastly he looked that when he asked me for some money for food I automatically got out my wallet and gave him about three fiddy... seriously though, I gave him $20 and finished my break.

About 5 minutes into returning from my break a security guard broadcasts over the two-way radio that they need to give medical attention to a minor in the casino. They gave a location, I punched in a camera number and there was my little friend. My co-worker sitting next to me (whose worked surveillance since the casino opened) see's what I'm seeing and quickly broadcasts that this guy is in fact of legal age, there's absolutely nothing wrong with him, but he's banned from the casino and that he uses his appearance to coax money out of fools. So of course with that, the entire surveillance department began reviewing footage of the guy to see which sap gave him the money. So I basically start shitting myself thinking "what the hell have I done, I've given money to a banned patron to gamble and now every single person here is gonna find out and I'll lose my job". Luckily the spot I took my break in was a blind spot and they never found out."

#10 At the end of the day, Security Guards are just people with hearts and are mostly good sports.

Start_button reveals:

"My best story is also my worst. Working security for Target, we had a guy come in and steal a bicycle pump. When we approached him in the parking lot, he had a bicycle with a cart attached. He was clearly homeless, and he was furiously trying to inflate one of the tires on the bike. My boss had already called the cops, but after seeing the man's circumstances, I couldn't l let him be arrested, so I ran back inside and paid for the pump myself. When the cops showed up, I told them everything was fine.

My boss was pretty pissed about the whole thing, but I didn't care. I quit over the bs from the whole ordeal. I don't regret it one bit though. It was a shitty job anyway."

In response to the previous user, billbapapa shared his story;

"Sort of a related story - I worked at a place where it turned out, the security guard himself became homeless. At first he just seemed a bit rough around the edges, dirty clothes and looked like he needed a shower. Then his behaviour changed and he started doing odd things. Eventually the manager talked to him and found out the guy's wife cheated on him and told him to get out, so he just up and left his wife and kids in the house. Turned out he was securing the place during the night, then hiding out in some store room in the basement and sleeping in the day. He wasn't making a lot of money and he wanted his kids taken care of so most of it was still paying for the home he was no longer allowed to sleep in.

Happily that the manager was able to rent the guy one of the store rooms he'd been sleeping in officially for super cheap till he was able to get back on his feet, and was able to help secure him some legal advice so he wasn't taken advantage of. Terrible thing homelessness, but in this case a beautiful thing that someone reached out to help the poor guy."

Sprayy got to stretch his legs and storytell skills:Â

"I used to work security at various stores in Toronto, one was a Winners.

I was plainclothes security and working the entire store by myself.

This skinny black male walked in, looked in great shape (Kenyan maybe). He picked up two pairs of boxers at the front of the store, looked back at me, flashed this bright white smile and took off.

I must have chased that guy for fifteen goddamn minutes through downtown toronto, the entire time he was just doing this long strided jog. I knew the more out of shape me had one last chance so I sprinted as hard as I could and tackled him from behind.

I was so damn exhausted I must have just laid on him for five minutes.

It turned out kind of funny because we had to walk the almost thirty minutes back to the store and we kind of got to know each other during the walk."