Sex Therapist Reveals The Bedroom Act Women 'Really Want' That Men Keep Getting Wrong

A study has suggested that many people are not fully happy with their sex lives, and the gap between men’s and women’s pleasure still appears to be a real issue.

A previous study by the National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles, known as Natsal, looked at 15,162 men and women. It found that women were more than twice as likely as men to report trouble reaching climax.

The figures also showed that 27.4 percent of women, compared with 23.4 percent of men, said there was an imbalance in sexual interest between them and their partner.

To get a clearer idea of what women may want more of in the bedroom, sex expert Lucy Frank said the issue often is not just about how often couples are having sex.

"For many people, sex is where they truly feel chosen, wanted and connected," the psychosexual and relationship therapist explains.

"When sexual connection works, it often reflects broader relational health – and when it struggles, it's usually a signal that something else needs attention too."

"Sex is not about frequency, performance or penetration. It's at the heart of being human and our need for connection."

In other words, the focus should not only be on numbers, technique, or whether sex follows a set pattern. Frank suggests that the deeper issue is often whether both people feel present, wanted, and connected.

That means the thing many women are looking for may be less about doing more and more about slowing down, paying attention, and being tuned in to what is actually happening between two people.

What women want in the bedroom

"Many women want more presence – eye contact, extended touch without agenda and space for arousal to build naturally," adds Frank.

"They often want sex to feel less predictable and more response to what's actually happening in the moment."

Frank said she often sees three common problems: sex becoming too goal-focused, emotional distance creeping in, and one or both partners not showing enough curiosity about what the other person wants.

Only 30 percent of women report orgasming every time they have sex compared to 61 percent of men Getty Stock Images

"Many women describe sex that feels rushed, penis-centred or oriented around orgasm rather than shared pleasure," Frank says.

"When sex feels like a task to complete or a goal to be reached rather than an experience to share, desire often fades."

That does not mean every couple needs to completely rethink their sex life overnight. But it does suggest that rushing through the moment, focusing only on one person’s pleasure, or treating orgasm as the only point can make intimacy feel flat over time.

For men who feel unsatisfied

A good sex life is usually a shared effort, and Frank said men who feel unsatisfied should try to talk with their partner rather than making guesses or building resentment.

"Start by getting curious rather than defensive," she says. "Talk openly about desire, fantasy and dissatisfaction without blaming."

"Good sex is built through collaboration, not silent frustration or assumption. And most importantly, that sex does not have to mean penetration."

Frank says good sex takes work Getty Stock Images

Frank said one of the biggest myths about sex is the idea that it should be effortless, like it often appears in porn or scripted scenes.

"In reality, the best sexual relationships are built through communication, flexibility and ongoing learning. Desire changes over time and adapting to that is a skill, not a failure," she adds.

"When couples stop seeing sex as something that should 'just work' and start treating it as a shared language they can keep learning together, everything shifts."