She Realized Her Husband Wasn't The Only "Flawed" One After All
#1
Stories of divorce are more and more common these days. It can be one of the saddest chapters in a family's history, but sometimes, when it looks like there is nothing left to do, a wave of inner wisdom and honesty can arise at just the right moment:
#2
"I'd been married for as long as I could bear. When my husband Bill left for work, I packed my things, grabbed our 14-month-old son, and left.
I went to my mother in tears and anger. I told her everything, hysterically announcing my declaration of independence.
All she said in reply was, "Before you leave him, please do one thing for me."
She asked me to draw a vertical line on a piece of paper. On the left-hand side I wrote all of my husband's flaws; all the things that drove me crazy. I thought I'd have to write all his good qualities on the other side, so I really focused hard on the flaws, painting a completely unbearable picture:
He never picks up his clothes, never tells me where he's going, he falls asleep during church, he blows his nose too loud, he spits in the street, he never buys me presents, he's poor, he washes all of his laundry together, he never helps with the dishes, he doesn't speak openly with me, he doesn't give me enough attention... the list continued.
#3
Once I was finished, I was sure that no woman could bear to live with this man. "Now you want me to write his good qualities, right Mom?" "No," she answered. "I know how good he is. Why don't you describe how you reacted to his flaws. How did you respond? How did you feel?"
This was difficult. I really had to examine myself inside and out. So, I started reflecting and writing my reaction to each of his flaws:
Made angry faces, looked at him with disgust, cried, was hysterical, felt ashamed, yelled at him, wanted to leave him, thought he didn't deserve me... on and on it went.
When I finished, my mom came to me, took the paper, and tore it in half. She took the half with my husband's flaws, and gave me the other half. "Go to sleep child," she said. "In the morning think again about what you wrote here and go back to Bill. We will watch your son. Please try to improve upon your half of the paper. If you still want to leave him, come back here - we are always here to help."
#4
The next morning I read my list and realized how horrible it was in the absence of his "flaws." I suddenly realized how terrible I had been behaving. There was nothing mean about his "flaws," but I was being mean. I felt like I was drowning in self-pity and anger, but I'd forgotten how lucky I was to have him. Bill isn't perfect, but he is a good man with a kind heart. I was horrified that I was ready to break off our relationship, taking my son's father out of his life. It doesn't matter what Bill does, what matters is how I react to it - this realization changed my life.
So, we both returned to our home. Bill came home from work and we were waiting for him. I wish I could say that my husband has changed, but he hasn't. He still does all of those things, but my attitude has changed towards him. I am so thankful to my mom who once again saved our family with her wisdom.
Bill was only 49 when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. It felt like he was slowly disappearing from this world. He stopped working and I started taking care of him at home. Once my son asked me, "Mom, what happens when Dad isn't going to remember us anymore?" I answered, "The only thing that matters is that we will remember him: how much we love him, what he taught us, and how much he loved us."
Becky and Bill were married for 29 years.
