The Nastiest Things Gynos Had To Fish Out (That Wasn’t A Baby)

By Editorial Staff in Bizarre On 8th February 2017

Women have attempted to make use of their most sensitive body part for secreting a plethora of items, from the contraband to the simply bizarre to the grotesque. Medical literature records an almost endless list of unusual items that have been discovered in ladies’ natural purses over the years. Treating your coin purse as a literal coin purse is not advisable, and should something become lodged up there it’s a good idea to consult your gyno. For your entertainment, here are some of the most unusual things that gynecologists have discovered in the cave of wonders.

#1 A Chicken

Only in Russia. As part of a 'shock art' presentation in 2010, a woman who called herself Vacuous C**t, stuffed a whole chicken up her vagina! Yes, a whole chicken. She walked nude into a supermarket, being filmed, of course, and promptly snatched a frozen chicken from the freezer and stuffed in inside of herself. Later the video shows her birthing the chicken onto the pavement outside. Is this the Russia version of Jackass, or a feminist statement of some sort?

#2 Pop Rocks

Getting a little kinky and frisky, a California couple decided to experiment with candy and other treats. When some exploding Pop Rocks were inserted, it resulted in a quick trip to the ER for treatment. The woman reported that the sugary treat caused a “burning and itching” rather than the “tingling” sensation and she was required to have the substances flushed out by a doctor. So while it may seem like a sweet idea to play with sugary treats in the bedroom, it’s important that they are specially designed to be kind to your lady parts. Magical as your garden is, they don’t enjoy candy quite the same way as our mouths do!

#3 A Vodka Bottle, Filled With Yellow Stream

Talk about getting artsy and creative, the Darwin Award goes to Mischelle Lindy Salzgeber, a 24-year-old from Florida, who found a way to use her bald eagle to store something useful. Yes, Mischelle conceived a not so ingenious solution to the problem of how to pass a drug test when you have been under the influence. However, the jig was up when they did a random body search and found the vodka bottle she had hidden in her honey pot that was filled with fresh urine, ready to be tested. What's worse in this hide and seek game is that the hidden vodka bottle of urine found in her lady garden was tested positive for illegal substances as well.

#4 A Poster Of Donny Osmond

A London woman was fascinated with singer and teen heartthrob Donny Osmond, so she did what any normal fan would do. She rolled up his pin-up poster and inserted it into her hoo-hoo! British Broadcasting Corporation’s Channel 3 program Bizarre ER featured the story. After complaining of severe pelvic pain in her apple pie area, medical tests revealed the unbelievable diagnosis. She finally fessed up and told the doctors what she had done when her itching would not stop. We are left wondering, however, were there paper cuts?

#5 A Scroll (In The Name Of Art)

Traditionally you think of scrolls as ancient messages with sacred and ceremonial writings. A scroll is probably not something you'd put on the list of things you might find inside a vagina, but there it was. In the 1970's, in the name of 'art', Carolee Schneeman’s memorable performance piece Interior Scroll saw the artist ceremonially remove a small scroll from her tinkle bird, and proceed to read from it, in front of a startled audience. Apparently, the text was a passage from a short film she had created about the differences between the sexes. Which is understandable, since no man can hide an entire scroll in his boom box!

#6 Keys

Strange but true. A Canadian woman who was featured on an episode of a TLC show, Sex Sent Me To The E.R., after some kinky bedroom role play with her partner, got a lot of attention. The keys to some handcuffs became entangled in the nylon removal strings of her intrauterine device (IUD). At the Emergency Room, she was told that the keys normally wouldn't hurt her, being in her vagina, but they were dangerously close to causing tearing on the inside of her lady parts and needed to be surgically removed. We think the couple might skip the next 50 Shades of Grey sequel and stick to the script.

#7 Five Inch, Decade-Old “Toy”

Emergency room docs have seen their fair share of adult toys stuck in various orifices, including the lady coin purse. The medical staff at Aberdeen Royal Infirmary were shocked when they examined a 38-year-old Scottish woman complaining of severe weight loss, shaking, lethargy, and mild incontinence. The woman eventually disclosed to the staff that she had used a bedroom toy with her partner ten years previously, which had clearly become lodged up there for the entirety of the following decade. We don’t know what to make of this story – which begs a range of further questions. Yes, the woman was under the influence of alcohol at the time of the decade-old toy insertion. But how she remained unaware of its presence for the next ten years remains one of life’s greatest mysteries.

#8 A Pipe

Authorities in Oklahoma City arrested 25-year-old Ericka Marie Danna for causing a disturbance outside a local home. But when they got to the jail, officials searched her, only to discover a “mary jane pipe” lodged in her baby vending machine. According to the police report, there was a skunk-like odor that was emanating from the pipe. This is not the first time that an object intended for oral use has been misplaced in a different set of lips. In fact, it seems to be the go-to hiding place for non-law-abiding ladies. This money maker was anything but in this instance, however, as Danna consequently faced charges for bringing a contraband item into the jail, as well as charges for disturbing the peace. Perhaps she had had one too many puffs of the magic dragon when she hatched her plot to keep it in her lady lair.

#9 A Bratz Doll

With all the crap we've discovered placed in ladies'front pockets, it's time for a more innocent scenario. A four-year-old girl was hospitalized after shoving a Bratz Doll partially up her girly parts. The 2007 Pediatric Journal revealed how it took three doctors to remove the doll from the unknowing little girl. “Apparently these children were motivated by the same curiosity that dictates the insertion of foreign bodies into the ear or nose.” Pediatric physicians have discovered everything from wax crayons to lead pencils, safety pins, twig, and splinters of wood inside of very young girls and there is actually a technical term for the nasty side effects caused by shoving things up your flower bud.

#10 An Egg

So women can lay eggs, apparently. In the case of this grandmother, who smuggled small packets of different types of illegal substances, plus twenty euros to her grandson in jail via Kinder Surprise eggs that she had hidden in her lady garden, they can. The British woman was caught smuggling the Kinder Surprise eggs in 2013 when one containing 30 ounces of cocaine fell out of her lady box. Now that's a new twist on the 'surprise' inside.

#11 A Loaded Gun

During the obligatory body cavity search of Christie Dawn Harris, a 28-year-old from Oklahoma, police found something rather disturbing. A loaded weapon inside of her vajayjay! The modern age may put pressure on us all to be superwomen, ready for anything, but this is not nature’s holster. The 22-caliber handgun was loaded with three rounds of ammunition and one spent shell. Talk about living dangerously. But that's not all. Police also discovered several bags full of drugs stuffed inside of her anal cavity.

#12 More Weapons (Locked And Loaded)

Ashley Cecilia Castaneda was also discovered with a loaded handgun in her love muffin. The 31-year-old was arrested in Waco, Texas was also charged with the possession of some dangerous illegal substances, although this was not located in her intimate region. But she too had a gun, with the safety OFF, inside of her. One false move and that could've been the end of Ashley and who knows who else.

#13 More Guns, No Aliens

Perhaps the strangest case on record involved the former spouse of No Country For Old Men author Cormac McCarthy. Jennifer McCarthy was arguing with her partner about the likelihood of the existence of space aliens, before changing into lingerie. According to a probable cause statement obtained by the publication The Smoking Gun, McCarthy began having some alone time fun using the gun while asking her boyfriend “who is crazy, you or me?” McCarthy initially denied the incident but she was rushed to the ER with a gun lodged inside of her. She later said she pushed it too far in and it was oiled up too much. But why was it loaded?

#14 Bags Of Illegal Substances

This one is unbelievable. You'll never guess what police pulled out of 27-year-old Karin Mackaliunas, of Pennsylvania. It was like a magic trick where the clown keeps pulling the hankies out of his sleeve, except this time it was out of her dime slot. Scranton Police discovered an unbelievable 54 bags of cocaine, 31 empty baggies, eight prescription pills, two pill bottles, and $51.22 in cash AND change in her snake ranch. She actually used her change purse to store her loose change. Let's hope she didn't keep it there when she shopped at the grocery store.

#15 A Glow Stick

Glow sticks are fun at party's and concerts and even dark bars and can bring lots of joy to even adults. That is exactly what one woman was thinking when she looked around her bedroom for anything she felt like she could use to pleasure herself. She invited her boyfriend over, turned off the lights and in went the glow stick. The problem is, the chemicals inside are toxic, and the stick burst in half, sending this lady from Brooklyn to the ER where several doctors treated her for the chemical burns and removal of the broken glow stick.

#16 A Spool Of Wool

This was not how “Bahh Bahh Black Sheep” ended. Although attempting this kind of thing is likely to make you one. Of all the crazed things that have been done in the name of art, this one ranks right up there with the strangest. Australian artist Casey Jenkins knitted for 28 days, the average length of a single menstrual cycle, in an art gallery with wool pulled out of her baby maker. Afterward, she used her own fluids to dye the vast number of hate messages red, then she somehow incorporated them into the artwork itself. Weird from start to finish, the action did show that despite its universal (at least for women) and eternal nature, we still find this part of a woman shocking. Or at least when it is -literally- woven into a public performance.

#17 Prickly Problem

A case so wide open it could be on the FBI's radar. A report filed by Louisville Metro Department of Corrections noted that 29-year-old Jessica Webster was discovered hiding hypodermic needles in her pink canoe. Arrested for burglarizing a Kentucky home, things got a little prickly when the police began to do a cavity search on the suspect. It was quickly discovered she was carrying multiple hypodermic needles in her fancy box but told police it was because she was an addict and homeless and didn't carry a purse. it’s not an uncommon smuggling technique for female addicts and criminals. Still, the thought of needles in our most tender area is pretty uncomfortable in itself, so we can’t even begin to imagine what it must have actually felt like when an officer was in there rummaging through everything.