Los Angeles, a majestic place that we must run away to when in pursuit of our dreams. It is a land where the normal does not exist, and the abnormal is King. Flamboyance, finances, and fake fake fake are the norm, and my goodness, don’t we love it. Greater Los Angeles County is situated in the coastal plain between the wild west deserts of California and the foothills of the Santa Monica Mountains. To the east lie the San Gabriel Mountains, and to the west begins the pacific ocean. This town is where Route 66 ends, on an eclectic boardwalk, we might add. It is the home of modern entertainment, pop culture, and the first stop for cartel business operations outside of Mexico. The city lies in a basin that Native Americans refused to inhabit due to the lack of air. On a hot, dry day, you’ll hear the weathermen and women lie about the mythical marine layer (if you’re further east than Culver City, it’s really just pollution, not haze from the ocean).
Things That Only Hollywood Residents Can Get Away With.
Insane age-differences when dating
SCIENCE TIME: from observational and qualitative data gathered over the last two years, this scientist has determined that people in Los Angeles never grow up. The age you are when you land in LA is the age you’ll stay forever. This is part of the beauty of California’s eternal summer, but also a massive detriment to those of us that move here and fail to assimilate into this trend. As a young woman that falls outside of the norm, finding a man in Los Angeles that meets your intellectual capital is far from easy. The same happens in reverse for men. When you’re living in a land where women are constantly fighting to turn back the years, any man with (a) a proper career, (b) is independent financially, (c) has maintained their figure, and is (d) kind, loving, and funny has their pick of the pretty girls. In a land driven by aesthetics and reputation, anything less than a 7-year age difference is considered weird, and it’s purely sociological.
Taking selfies literally anywhere, at any time
Whether you’re in traffic on the 405, fighting the crowds on Hollywood Boulevard, or hiking in your denim jeans, there is no bad time for a selfie in Hollywood. I mean, one never knows when the lighting is going to be this good again, and keeping up-to-date on your Instagram is arguably more important than Tinder, Facebook, LinkedIn, and your Slack profile picture combined. No, there is no hyperbole in this statement: selfies are everything in LA. A Chinese student even destroyed $200,000 worth of art while taking selfies at The 14th Factory. A domino effect ensued when the student bent down to take the selfie with the artwork. Each piece had been placed on an independent pedestal, which led to their destruction. When asked about the incident, the artist, Simon Birch simply stated: “if you try to design something that’s idiot-proof, the universe will design a better idiot.”
DUIs handed out like candy
Los Angeles is the drink-driving capital of the United States. This has, thankfully, led to a set of strict laws throughout the state of California. It has not, however, led to cheap and efficient public transport systems throughout the city. But what about Uber and Lyft, you ask? Well, thanks to the spatial geographies of Los Angeles, peak drinking times like Friday and Saturday nights are notorious for absurd hikes in price on both applications. So what do the idiots of LA choose to do instead of spending the extra cash and getting home safe, and legally? They get behind the wheel. So normalized is drink driving in LA, that a startling number of adults will happily get behind the wheel buzzed with their kids in the back seat. Don’t believe me? Come live here for a year, and then we’ll talk.
Discussing how much you loved spending time in the Playboy Mansion, and not expecting follow up questions
After the tragic loss of Hugh Hefner, the Instagrams, Twitters, and Facebooks of Hollywood’s men and women ignited in cries of loss and love for the mogul. So plentiful were these messages of fond memories that not an eyelid was batted. To the rest of the world, Hef and the Playboy Mansion are not so dissimilar to the likes of Narnia and Neverland: a magical, mystical land where one’s dreams become a reality. Well, that same whimsical definition should be granted upon the rest of Los Angeles, because some of the stuff that happens here is so bizarre and fantastical that sometimes one thinks to themselves, “well, no one will ever believe I was in this situation.” With such a depth of warped reality, Angelenos have seen it all and expect the unexpected. Visiting the Playboy Mansion is pretty low down on the list of crazy cool things that go on here.
Buying a home for $5million, that would be worth less than $300k anywhere else
The above photograph was taken on the Venice Canals in Venice, California, a coastal suburb of Greater Los Angeles. Once known as The Hood, Venice is currently going through an epic boom in gentrification. Homes that were once worth less than $40,000 have risen to be worth small fortunes, with most toting a $1million+ price tag. I, the author of this article, live in Venice. The night before writing this article I was rudely awakened around midnight, and then again at 3 AM by the unmistakable echoing of gunshots, suggesting that just because we pay a small fortune for mini-mansions, doesn’t necessarily mean we’re safe. Considering the fact that these homes are usually less than three bedrooms, have an open-plan kitchen and living rooms, and just the one bathroom, you’re essentially paying to be poor. A recent listing was posted at $2.5 million for less than 700 sq ft of property… and Venice isn’t the only Hood seeing explosions in housing value. All over Los Angeles, efforts in gentrification are ensuring that first-times buyers have to be affluent. Take that in whatever way you like.
Hiking All.The.Time (Also in weird outfits)
This is arguably the most ridiculous thing one can witness in the thriving pedestrian metropolis that isn’t Los Angeles. Unless one is walking from the car to the curb, hiking in the only time Angelenos choose to use their feet. A popular hiking spot is Runyon Canyon, a maze of dog-friendly pathways and dirt tracks. The trail starts on Mulholland Drive (or Fuller, if you live in Hollywood) and is a hotspot for tourists and up-and-coming celebs. The sheer popularity of this trail makes it a glorified fashion show. If you’re not showing enough skin, wearing the coolest workout gear, or toting Beats by Dre, then you’re not really hiking by LA standards. So incessant are the fashion and popularity contests of hiking trails in LA, that many choose to exercise in denim. You don’t have to be a scientist (even though I am) to see the irony in what now constitutes physical exertion, versus the actual benefits of hiking in clothing that was literally designed to not rip when you fall off a motorbike. Oh, and who doesn’t love sweating through Levis…?
All Fake Everything
Los Angeles in a fashion show. Similarly to London, the general rule of thumb is that the daytime is for being fantastically fashion conscious while maintaining a homeless aesthetic that screams, “I woke up like this,” while whispering, “not really, it took me three hours and four outfit changes, hundreds of dollars in clothing and accessories, and an additional fortune on makeup, skin care products, non-intrusive plastic surgery, and salon treatments.” This is one of the few things that I personally adore about Los Angeles. With every day being a fashion show, it’s really easy to forget about all of the important things in life, like a balanced diet. What’s even better is that thanks to the growth of corporate social responsibility, most of the products we buy now go toward charities and ethical projects around the world. Oh, and our second-hand shops are to die for!
Countless active serial killers… and the ones that hang out with celebrities
At any given time, police have estimated that there are three active serial killers (not to be confused with sicarios and hitmen for LA’s many gangs) within Greater Los Angeles. Over the years, these killers have been largely shadowed from the media as LA depends on the tourism for financial growth. One of the most notorious of these serial killers is Charles Manson. A biopic of his story is currently being developed by Quentin Tarantino, leaving many in the industry asking whether Tarantino will choose to include the storyline of Manson’s connections with hit band the Beach Boys. Though not known for being a serial killer, Manson is by definition, a serial killer.
Arguing with police because they’ve closed your street… due to filming
There is a special place in hell for the production managers, location scouts, and producers of Los Angeles that fail to inform residents of street closures weeks in advance. For the most part, major studios can do their filming with a fancy camera that attaches to cars; indie movies without the capital are also mature enough to respect local residents and therefore work around the natural flow of traffic and passers-by. Then there are the people who made La La Land. In an article with Variety magazine, producer Marc Platt describes how he shut down two of the largest and most important freeways in the city over a weekend in order to film that iconic dance sequence. The best thing Platt does is explain how, instead of clearing the freeway, he showed the dancers the footage, increasing the already hideous traffic that Los Angeles seemingly embodies. Shame on you sir.
Doing ‘illegal’ activities with celebrities is the norm
California, land of legal recreational ‘reefer’ use. Whether you’re into edibles for anxiety or smoking for sleep, this wonder plant is utilized by everyone who wants it. Thanks to the new laws, peer pressure is also a thing of the past in Los Angeles. With rates of alcoholism particularly high in this part of the world, there is an underlying respect that goes hand-in-hand with saying no. If you want to smoke, that’s great, but if I don’t, then that’s cool too. We can still all be friends and hang out together. This new mentality has grown through the normalization of cannabis as a tool for healing, rather than the faux-accusation that cannabis is a drug one uses to escape. Then there are the cannabusiness people, the dawning rockstars that can only exist in a place like California – both practically, and legally. If anyone is paving the way for scientifically-accurate messages on cannabis, it is the inhabitants of Los Angeles.
