We all know that the only certainties in life are death and taxes.
Grim, right?
And seeing as they’re both wildly bleak topics we figured the only way to deal with either of them is with humour.
After discarding the tax idea (turns out there’s nothing funny whatsoever about taxes), so here’s a list of ways that you could die based, oh-so-scientifically, on your star sign.*
You’ve heard of ‘This is your Life’, now it’s time for ‘This is your Death’!
(*It’s all just a bit of craic!)
You live your life adventurously so it is only fitting that your end is heart-stopping and spectacular. You're impulsive and impatient and the daredevil in you is always looking for the next thrill.
You'll die fast, probably drag racing along a cliff-side, stiletto to the metal, silk scarf in your hair. It will be wildly glamorous, darling.
You're an emotional person some people would say over-emotional but what do they know? They don't know you, they don't know what you've been through!
Anyway, you're also kinda clingy (you prefer the word loyal), find it hard to let go and are a tad bit jealous. You're therefore most likely to kick it staking it out in your ex's chimney trying to get a good look at his new girlfriend.
You probably won't be discovered for years, but on the plus side you'll still be beautifully preserved from the ash. Ha, take that newbie gf.
You are communicative, witty and eloquent but sometimes you lose the run of yourself when you get going.
Your arch enemy will start you on a topic you're ardently passionate about (like, who was really the best Late, Late Show host of all time) and you'll fall into their trap. You'll preach until you literally run out of air and drop dead. Still, you'll have made your point.
You are far too self-reliant and deep down, believe no one can do a job as well as you can. You're also a massive martyr who then likes to gloat about how you had to do it all yourself!
Chances are, ‘I'll do it MYSELF' will be the last words uttered from your lips as you tackle a task you are ill-equipped to handle, like moving a giant bookshelf by yourself or cleaning the gutters on your roof. Adios amigos!
You are generous, creative and broadminded. Unfortunately, you're also bossy and interfering. You'll probably snuff it while micro-managing the staff at a charity event.
Your dogmatic and pompous approach will cause your underlings to rise up in revolt and bury you in a pile of your own arts and crafts.
You're a perfectionist who is prone to worry worrying about things happening, things not happening, about worry itself.
Therefore, you'll most likely worry yourself to death. And, because you're diligent and reliable, you'll probably die in your place of work in the foetal position beside the stationary cupboard after a stress attack over the shortage of supplies. How were you supposed to get hold of a green highlighter on a bank holiday?! How?
You're passionate and magnetic. People are drawn to you. It's a curse, really.
One day you'll be standing in line for Coppers, dressed to the nines, when you will be attacked by a passionate stranger (probably another Scorpio). It will be a Romeo & Juliet type love story. You will eat the faces off each other until you both pass out in a heap on the steps dead.
You love nothing more than hitting the open road and going on an adventure. Jet-setting around the world, taking in everything there is to see and do nothing is off limits for you. You're fearless, blindly optimistic and spend a lot of time uploading snaps of your travels to social media.
Small wonder then that you'll quite possibly meet your maker taking a selfie of some incredible view. It'll be some picture though! (Duckface optional.)
You are wildly inventive and highly intellectual and while these things might look good on your LinkedIn profile they don't go down as well on the Match.com side of things.
What we're saying is, there's a good chance you're going to die alone. Well, not totally alone. Your cats will be there to look after you (read: eat you) until the neighbours alert the authorities.
You're nothing if not a martyr and because you're easily led, you're quite prepared to put your life on the line for the greater good. Think Kevin Kostner taking a bullet for Whitney Houston in The Bodyguard or Leo freezing to death in the icy water so Kate Winslet could hog the floating door. You can't think of a more nobler way to go, frankly.
Come on Pisces, grow a pair. There's still time for you to man up and make sure that if you ever do go overboard, it's every woman for herself!
Oh Capricorn, if only you could stop caring about what other people think of you.
Alas, it is in-built in your psyche to crave outside approval which is why you'll probably leave this earth getting hit by a car while checking how many likes your latest Facebook post has. Or as one comedian suggested, faking your own death to see how many people actually attend your funeral and accidentally dying for real in the process.
Your whole life has been about the pursuit of pleasure, romance and love. In your youth you employed your considerable flirtatious charm to get what you want but as you get older, you realise that time is not always kind to ageing bodies.
Seeing as you're also easily influenced and very self-indulgent chances are you'll kick the bucket while getting a tummy tuck, liposuction or eye-lift procedureall at once!
