Weirdest Things Ever Seen By Lifeguards

#1 People Are Gross; The Pool Is Grosser

I've had to fish out more than my fair share of bloody tampons, I distinctly recall one kid who had Satan's own diarrhea, and there's a surprising amount of vomit. For upchucking we don't even bother to clear the pool unless the chunks are big enough that you can tell what they had for breakfast, and even then we'll only shut down long enough to fish out the worst of it. Oh, we'll sprinkle some baking soda in for a show, but that has as much to do with disinfecting as a voodoo ritual. Since I worked at an outdoor pool, we also pulled out countless dead frogs, rodents, and birds that had mistaken our chemical and pump-filled death trap for a natural oasis. Every corpse was so bloated, they looked like Thunder in a cutesy animal remake of Big Trouble In Little China.

#2 Snickers is a chocolate bar that consists of nougat topped with caramel and peanuts.

Snickers bars have been advertised on various platforms including television, billboards, and magazines. They rose to fame, thanks to the “You’re not you when you’re hungry” campaign.

Snickers aren’t actually creepy, but the way that people use them is creepy. Like other people, lifeguards hate being bored at work. Some lifeguards have thrown Snickers bars into the water just so they could have an hour-long break while maintenance workers clean the pool. One of those lifeguards described his actions as the best time ever. Apparently, the male lifeguard ordered lunch at a local pizza shop during the extended break.

If you’ve watched the movie Caddyshack, you’ll remember the obnoxious teenagers who enter the pool during summer camp every year and would probably be annoyed after a week or two.

#3 Drowning Doesn't Look How You Think

There's a common misconception that a drowning person is going to be flailing their arms and shouting for help, because how else would the cast of Baywatch know the cue for running in slow motion? But usually, they'll be silent because they've already taken on the water. A drowning person is vertical, usually straight up and down. If someone is swimming, they're at least semi-horizontal, unless they're treading water. So if your buddy is just quietly bobbing up and down, he's probably not enjoying a relaxing float.

Your first instinct will be to swim over and pull them to safety. That's wrong. Drowning people are panicking, and they'll have no qualms about climbing on top of you for buoyancy. We had one dad with two daughters, and the older girl started drowning. The lifeguard was coming to help, but dad reached her first. He still had his younger daughter with him, and she started freaking out. He couldn't support them both, so we now had three people drowning. They were fine, but if you read about someone drowning while trying to save a friend, that's probably what happened. If you lack the proper strength and training, they'll drag you down with them.

What you need to do is pass them something, like a long stick or a flotation device, and pull them out. Ideally, you'd be doing this from land, but you can do it in the water as long as you keep your distance. That gives the victim something buoyant to hang onto, which will calm them down. And it doesn't give you a frantically clawing human backpack trying to drag you beneath the water. Really, it's a win-win situation.

#4 Frogs are tailless amphibians with long hind legs and moist smooth skin, all in a short and stout body

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#6 Sharks are large long-bodied marine fishes with a cartilaginous skeleton, dorsal fin, and tooth-like scales.

Sharks are carnivorous fishes that belong to the Elasmobranchii subclass. Furthermore, some sharks have very sharp teeth and may attack people.

Some people have an immense fear of sharks, thanks to the entertainment industry. It has been reported that the number of shark attacks increased in recent years, but it still doesn’t amount to the number of deaths caused by the stings from stingrays. Of course, shark attacks remain on the rise, so it’s better to safe than sorry even though your chances of dying from such attacks are less than one in three million.

You can avoid physical contact (and harm) from sharks by not swimming at night, thrashing around in the water, straying far from the shore, swimming with dogs and horses, and staying out if you’re bleeding. Shark bites aren’t fun at all.

#7 Blood is the red liquid that circulates in the hearts, arteries, capillaries, and veins of humans and other vertebrate animals.

Blood’s purpose is to carry oxygen and other elements to and bringing away waste products from the other parts of the body. Blood also carries both red and white blood cells along with platelets and protein.

The sight of blood can be extremely creepy, no matter where it came from. Swimmers at the Coast Guard Beach in Eastham, Massachusetts were evacuated by lifeguards on August 20, 2015. The beachgoers initially spotted a group of seals swimming near a pool of blood. The blood was the detrimental result of a great white shark who reportedly attacked a seal. The beach was closed for an hour and then reopened. This was the second time in a week where the Coast Guard Beach temporarily closed its waters. The first incident occurred on August 12, 2015.

Blood is arguably the most serious disease threat to a lifeguard’s health as it may contain infectious agents while in the water.

#8 The Pool Is Chock Full O' Sex

It should come as no surprise that bored teenagers who spend all day seeing each other in swimsuits would sneak off to have sex. But it's not just them. If your local pool has a family locker room, I guarantee you that people have boned in it. Hot tubs as well, so there's another thing to taste!

We've had to call the police on several people who hung around outside and watched kids. And lest you think we were just being paranoid, we actually caught a man masturbating in the parking lot. Maybe those floppy pool noodles just really did it for him ...

Worst of all was the sexual harassment. Every time we went into the sauna, men would tell us how great we looked and offer to buy us dinner. Most were more than old enough to be my father. Most of us weren't even 18! The guys got plenty of it too: The pool was in a suburban family community, which meant there were a lot of tweens and stay-at-home moms. Thirteen-year-old girls and 40-year-old women alike would ask me whether a certain lifeguard was "available." People think the pool is some sort of post-apocalyptic sexual wasteland, where society's laws no longer apply ...

#9 It's Even More Dangerous For Children Than You Think

Heads up, parents: A 3-year-old cannot swim. I know you don't go swimming to contemplate your toddler's fleeting mortality, but that's what you'll end up doing if you let them wander off.

Also, no matter what it says on the box, most flotation devices are not safety devices. Water wings, inflatable donuts -- kids will slip out of those. Kickboards and pool noodles are fun to play with, but they're no replacement for a life vest. Parents misuse these all the time, but if you're looking to keep your child safe from Poseidon's underachieving little brother, Poolseidon, the only safe device is one that wraps securely around the middle of the body. Thinking that little Timmy is immune to drowning because you gave him a giant novelty foam dinosaur is only putting him in more danger.

#10 The Chemicals Are Dangerous

Hey, did you know that improperly balanced pool chemicals can permanently damage your fucking teeth? My manager once got lung burn from improperly handled acid.

Another kid was fired for lying on a worker's comp claim about getting chlorine in his eye. He did almost go blind, but it was because he had been stealing chlorine to make bombs. One of his pop bottles exploded right in his face. Damn, who would have thought to leave underpaid teenagers in charge of dangerous chemicals could end badly?

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