11 News Headlines That Should Be A Joke, But Aren't

#1 Judge rules firefighter too drunk to know he'd hit cyclist, not guilty of hit and run

Let this be a lesson: if you're going to drink and drive, make sure you get shit-faced enough to only be charged with a DUI.

#2 Chinese dog-eating festival outrages foreigners

Meanwhile, the people of Ratatonia are horrified that the rest of the world hires exterminators to kill their beloved pets.

#3 KFC Sues Over Rumors Company Uses Eight-Legged Chickens With Six Wings

I don't know what's worse: that people are actually believing these rumors, or that KFC is even dignifying them with a lawsuit. Unless, the accusers know something we don't...

#4 FBI Seizes Domain Names, Then Forgets To Renew Them Before They Were Reclaimed

The Feds cracked down on some high profile sites that were guilty of partaking in activity of questionable legality, the most prominent being mega-upload.com. Well, the bureau forgot to renew the licenses for these domains, so now all of the URLs they seized have been scooped up, only to feature ads for porn and drugs. More like Federal Bureau of IRONY.

#5 Minneapolos Private School Takes Students To Adult Novelty Store For Sex Ed Lesson

I wish I went on field trips like this when I was 13.

#6 Muslim Woman Denied Soda Can for Fear She Could Use It as a Weapon

She's an Associate Chaplain at Northwestern University with a minor in carbonated terrorism.

#7 440 pounds of cocaine found in pineapples

If you like pina coladas, and getting high on cocaaaine!

#8 Lil Wayne Spits On Ref And Starts Brawl At Anti-Violence Charity Basketball Game

Maybe he was demonstrating to everyone what not to do?

#9 Woman sent to jail for noisy sex

When you read more into the story, you'll see that she was jailed for being a typical, annoyingly loud neighbor, but the straw that broke the camel's back was her 10-minute, shouty-sex session. The jailed woman probably rolled her eyes when being read the charges, and said to the judge, "whatever, you're just jealous 'cuz I'm getting the good stuff." But this is unconfirmed.

#10 Gay teens raped by family members in a bid to cure their homosexuality

A prime example of flawless logic: "Let's rape them until they're no longer gay! Wait, better use a family member so it's less weird, and they can see we really care about them."

#11 A U.S. cyberattack on North Korea failed because North Korea has basically no Internet

Guys! The video finally loaded! OK, I had to reduce to resolution size, but we're in luck, I've got some binoculars right here - now let's see what all the fuss with this Gangnam Style dude is about...