You don't have to be the house that gives out King-Size bars, but avoid these terrible treats at all costs. If these are what you are giving out on Halloween, you should feel bad, because you are badly in need of a "Trick!"
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#1 Popcorn Balls
Yes, they are delicious. Yes, they are cheap and easy to make. But... who wants homemade balls of popcorn that could have come from a filthy kitchen? Kids hate these as treats.
#2 Necco Wafers
Did you know that Necco Wafers come in 7 exciting flavors? You probably didn't because in actuality they all taste like chalk. You may as well be giving out Tums, because these things look and taste like antacids. The chocolate ones are even worse. We understand that they are a throwback to the time your great grandma went to the pictures for a nickel and ate Necco Wafers, but we don't need to remind our kids of the days of polio, segregation, and inferior candy.
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#3 Apples
Healthy smealthy! Kids want a treat, not a freakin' fruit. Be careful when giving these out as kids have been known to throw them back through your windows. Also, apples are prohibited in some ares due to razor blades being placed inside of them. Never give out fruit. Or vegetables.
#4 Candy Corn
Ugh! Really? Candy corn. This concoction of sweetness is good, but that feeling only lasts a minute then it's on to the big candy bars. We live in a world with abundant chocolate treats now, stop torturing kids with these plastic-y abominations.
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#5 Wax Lips
These are fun for about five seconds, then you realize that instead of candy you just got a big mound of sweet-ish wax. It's pretty much the same stuff that comes wrapped around the Baby-Bel cheese wheels, but instead of a delicious Italian cheese inside it's just more crumbly, disgusting wax. These, together with the wax bottles, should be dumped into an undisclosed pit somewhere in the Arizona desert and never spoken of again.
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#6 Homemade Snacks
NO! They might be good for a party or to hand out personally to friends and family, but never, ever give children homemade treats. Period!
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#7 Mary Janes
Mary Jane is a peanut butter and molasses flavored taffy-type candy with peanut butter in the center. Originally made in 1914 by The Charles N. Miller Co. They taste great and if you're in to nostalgia, this is a fun treat, but kids today don't appreciate salty, nutty, molasses bite sized candy.
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#8 Raisins
We get it, you are looking out for the kids' health and hoping they don't damage their teeth and digestive system too much on Halloween with all that candy. I am sure they will appreciate it. As you will surely appreciate the complimentary eggs and toilet paper you will be rewarded with.
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#9 Wax Bottles
How is it that these ever got made? How is it that they continue to be made? No one, kid or adult, has enjoyed these in history, yet they seem to remain a Halloween staple. The stuff inside is a gross syrupy goo that tastes like a year-old melted popsicle. And then there's the outside, which is made of what every kid loves: sticky, rubbery, unflavored wax.
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#10 Anything Black Licorice
Truth be told: we love black licorice. We love Good & Plenty, we love Crows, we love black jelly beans, but we are also adults. You know who doesn't love black licorice? Every kid ever. This is may be the least offensive on the list because the kid will probably give it to their parents, who will enjoy it. Maybe all those folks who were handing out the bridge mix on Halloween were secretly just hooking our parents up?
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#11 Loose Change
This is the ultimate cop out; you couldn't even be bothered buying Halloween candy so you give out change? No kid is stoked to be one cent richer on October 31st, you're certainly not starting out any college funds with that nickel. If you're really strapped, you can find coupons for places like Kroger's or Walmart and get some decent candy for real cheap, like Smarties or Dum Dums.
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#12 Tootsie Rolls
When you unwrap Tootsie Rolls, they look like something that came out of the back end of a small furry mammal, perhaps a cat or badger. When you put it in your mouth, the Tootsie Roll tastes like some kind of waxy, sticky, artificial chocolate. Tootsie Rolls were created in 1896 when kids worked in factories and real chocolate was probably scarce.
