Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened

#1 50 Cent's lawyers tell judge that he must appear rich because many rap fans are poor and need inspiration

It's really all for the kids, your honor.

#2 In the name of free speech, Adblock serves up ads, just for a day

You had one job, Adblock.

#3 Paris is ‘too dirty’ for the Japanese – Tokyo travel agents launch clean-up operation

#4 U.K. man jailed after friend's ashes mistakenly confiscated as drugs

People'll do anything to get high these days.

#5 Emergency biscuits flown into UK due to national shortage

Have you tried chocolate hobknobs? Seriously, if I couldn't get my hands on them, I'd think it was an emergency too.

#6 Lexington Chuck E. Cheese’s closes after being overwhelmed by kids Saturday night

In their defense, kids kinda suck.

#7 Catholic school in Mass. apologizes after 'You killed Jesus!' chant at game

That's one way to get your team pumped.

#8 To Maintain Supply of Sex Slaves, ISIS Pushes Birth Control

What's f*cked up is that technically sex slaves are allowed according to the rules, but birth control isn't.

#9 US police force enlists help of 'porn dog' to catch sexual predators

Shame has a distinct smell, I guess.

#10 Florida sheriff threatens to arrest 'rascal' Apple CEO, if it comes up

Oh, Tim Cook is such a scamp!

#11 Laundry detergent from Jessica Alba’s Honest Co. contains ingredient it pledged to avoid

Wait....Jessica Alba sells detergent now?!

#12 The time a naked man greeted Google’s driverless car, and other completely true stories

What, you've never Googled something when you were naked?

#13 BBC 'unaware' rapper invited onto Annie Mac show was convicted paedophile

Did they find out like halfway through the interview? That must've been awkward.

#14 Girls Dressed Up As Anna And Elsa Kicked Out Of 'Frozen On Ice' For Being Too Popular

I hate when that happens.

#15 Dine-and-dash suspect left phone, which led to child porn arrest

You know what they say, if you're too cheap to pay for a meal, you probably want to f*ck children. At least I think that's a saying.

#16 Staff of tuition centre booked for making students stand naked on road

These student loan payback programs are getting out of control.

#17 Brothel holds open day for children's charity

"But honey, think of the children!"

#18 This church’s cancer-curing elixir is really bleach, federal authorities say

Well if it's good enough to destroy the stains on your sheets, then it should kill cancer cells just fine, no?

#19 Admiral is removed after investigation finds he watched hours of porn on work computer

What is this, amateur hour? You never use your work computer or internet connection, how the f*ck did this guy become an Admiral?

#20 Instant noodles can make babies gay, claims Indonesia mayor

Instant oatmeal, on the other hand, makes you boring.