Amusing Reasons Why Everyone Drinks!
By
Samantha in
Funny
On 7th February 2016
There are many wonderful reasons to drink. Celebration, for example. Like the miracle of your mother squeezing you into this world or the anniversary of your pledge to deal with a mediocre sex life and passive aggressive comments for the rest of your life. December 5th, the date that prohibition was repealed, is definitely a perfect reason to get drunk off your ass and give thanks that we no longer have to drink moonshine and industrial alcohol.
But what about the mundane and everyday? Thankfully, the most persuasive reasons to drink happen most frequently in day-to-day life. They give us an acceptable excuse to indulge in a drink or two, or maybe five, depending on the day.
#1. Because you hate your coworkers
The two glasses of red I consume at dinner are for Lisa from legal, who has a law degree but can't seem to figure out how to use a filter.
#2. Because you had a bad day
Drink until you forget all the horrors.
#3. Because you hate school
Savage profs are almost as funny as 15 years of student debt.
#4. Because your mom
Can you guess who's next?
#5. Because your dad
Those inappropriate comments feel slightly less abrasive after four gin and tonics.
#6. Because any family gathering
Four drinks are required to deal with Grandma's passive aggressive comments about not seeing you enough, five drinks to cope with both parents simultaneously, and two more for that one relative who can't control their brutish children.
#7. Because growing up sucks
Bills, laundry, commitment! The only thing about it that doesn't suck about growing up is that you can drink to deal.
#8. Because this is happening in America right now
Every time a comment is uttered from those rank flapping orifices, I want to chug the nearest alcoholic substance, which, unfortunately, is usually hand sanitizer.
#9. Because you're the first person to arrive at the party
Making small talk with the host for an hour means that you'll also be the first person at the party to arrive at drunkenness.
#10. Because your friends are boring AF
How much should you drink tonight? Enough that Becca's droning about juice cleanses and the rude nail girl goes from mind-numbingly tedious to only mildly insipid.
#11. Because everyone at the party is too good looking to talk to
As you drink more, you become more attractive. That's how it works right?
#12. Because no one at the party is good looking
So who cares if you can't stand by the end of the night? A good indicator that you should slow down is when the one in the corner starts looking slightly attractive.
#13. Because this exists
The man bun has morphed into something we can no longer control, and I want to forget for just a night that it exists.
#14. Because you wanna bond with your roommate
And what better way than getting sloshed and trying to assemble Ikea furniture?
#15. Because it's Friday
One of the best reasons of all!
#16. Or maybe it's not Friday, but that's all the more reason!
Drink till it's Friday!
