Hate To Break This To You But, Your Cat Loves To Fap

#1

Ever walk in on your cat chillaxing on the bed, and he closes his laptop a little too fast?

Ever seen suspicious ‘toys' next to his stuffed mouselike mini Ben Wa balls or tiny nipple clamps? Me either, but that doesn't mean your cat doesn't beat his meat like it owes him money. Because he does. Believe that.

#2

Cats, like other animals living in captivity, don't get to party like God intended, so compulsions such as masturbation develop regardless of whether or not the cat is male, female, neutered or intact.

In fact, all mammals, birds and some reptiles are capable of masturbation and many of them do it on the regs. Zoo primates are notorious for their solo sex shows. But why?

Well. Pretty much for the same reasons you do it. The shit feels good. But it's also a compulsive reproductive behavior that may help keep the genitals clean and prevent sexually-transmitted diseases.

Some theorize that masturbation keeps the system in peak condition and therefore increases fertility.

#3

In the wild, bored male cats try to copulate with other males when females are unavailable. The same phenomenon was observed on the TV show Oz.

Lady cats also seek out scissor sisters when dude cats are in short supply. (Who hasn't?) Such behavior is thought to be an overflowing of sexual activity under conditions of extreme frustration. In household cats, sexual urges are often misdirected to household objects such as your shin, rugs, laundry, or pillows. Some desperate cats have even resorted to plying other unreceptive pets with cat nip.

Experts recommend veterinary intervention in cases where cat's masturbation becomes obsessive. In fact, an upcoming episode of the hit show Intervention, where Mitten's family is forced to confront his addiction and beg him to accept help is currently being filmed.

Just kidding.

If behavioral interventions fail however, there are drugs your cat can take to curb his addiction.

"When I smoke crack I hardly ever jerk off," boasts Mr. Whiskers, a fully recovered tabby.

Pussy, controlled.