How To Turn Your Angry Work Rants Into Impressive Business Talk!

“Why don’t you give your gums a rest and shut up for a change”

This translates as, “Thanks for your insight”. So now you can come across as cool, calm and professional in front of your manager. No matter how far you feel like ramming your fist down that motormouth co-worker’s throat.

“There’s not a chance in hell that’s getting done”

When the phone rings at 4:55 on Friday afternoon, say “I’m really not certain that’s feasible”, instead of this. Yes, even for those wackiest requests. You don’t want to spend the whole weekend wondering whether you’re gonna be hauled in for a disciplinary on Monday, right? See, you’re getting the hang of this!

“I’m only gonna say this once, so listen up or I’ll ram my fist so far down your throat…”

Woah, easy there, what did I tell you about that fist-ramming streak you’ve got in you? It’s probably best not to open up with a threat. Something safer, like, “May I please have your attention” will go down better. No matter how much you feel like carrying out those threats.

“Enough stuff is completely screwed around here, I would leave that alone if you know what’s good for you”

Sure, somebody hovering around your desk as you’re trying to work if annoying. But, even if a co-worker is really bugging you, don’t blurt that out. You’ve got to keep cool in these situations, and just ask, “Can I help you?”. Be cool, OK?

“Did you just mash the keyboard with your ham-like hands until this crap came out, or what?”

If something really needs doing again, try telling them, “This isn’t your best work” instead. You need that person in a better frame of mind to improve. Not emotionally crushed and crying in the bathroom.

“Who the hell asked you to suggest your stupid ideas? Stay in your lane or so help me…”

Translate that angry tirade before you start it, or you’ll be unemployed in double-quick time! Just fake a smile and say something like, “Thanks, I’ll bear that in mind”.

“How am I this morning? Well I’ll tell you, I hate my life and you’re the main reason”

All they said was good morning. All they asked was how you are. No need to clap back. “I’m fine, thanks for asking” is all they want to hear.

“You need to go outside and apologize to the trees for stealing the oxygen they’re working so hard to make”

If somebody is talking total nonsense, or they’ve got something wrong, take a breath. Definitely don’t fly off the handle, just stay calm and don’t scream. Just tell them, “I’m not sure if that’s the direction we want to take the project”.

“If I wanted your opinion, I’d beat it out of you”

Even if you feel like doing that so, so much. “Thanks for your input” is much more likely to let you keep your job.

“You’re like King Midas, except everything you touch turns to garbage”

Yelling at somebody after they make a mistake… well, they’re probably gonna be upset. Mistakes are a part of life, it’s the only way to learn. So a nice, “Perhaps we should go over this again, I feel you would benefit from it” will do the trick.

“How have you managed to get through life remembering to breathe every few seconds?”

That really isn’t the way you want to play this one, trust me. So maybe that one guy has got things wrong. A lot. He doesn’t seem to be learning from his mistakes. It’s getting annoying, I know. But just suck it up for now, and tell them “We need to sit down and discuss my expectations of you”.

“Who in the heck died and made you the ringmaster?”

Well, what you should say in this situation is, “Do you want me to take the lead on this one?”. But honestly, you can say whatever you want. Who cares, right?

I hope these will be useful in making you look like a model employee. Or at least a little more professional, and less likely to be fired. You can really look clever to somebody’s face, when you’re actually telling them to go straight to hell.