Signs Your Schooling Won't Pay Off
By
Editorial Staff in
Funny
On 28th February 2016
I have a short story that sums up what I think about college.
The day my political science degree arrived in the mail, my dad handed it to me with a big smile on his face. "Here's your degree, Andrew."
"Oh...thanks," I said dismissively as I kept doing whatever it was I was doing in that moment.
"D-do you want me to hang it?"
"No, it's fine."
"It's fine, I can hang it for you. I don't mind. I'll buy a frame too." he said. He was more proud of my degree than I was.
I took a deep breath. "Dad...I've spent $30,000 on a political science degree. I work as a plumbing salesman now. Trust me when I tell you I don't want anyone to spend any more money or waste any more time on my academic pursuits."
He put the degree on the kitchen table. "If-uh...If you need to talk about anything, I'm always here, buddy."
To this day, almost two years later, my degree remains buried somewhere deep in my closet – with my feelings – still in its original packaging.
But hey...I'm sure you'll do something with your degree.
#1 Don't get an English degree, they said!
I don't see any engineering students getting the top score on Words With Friends.
#2 But at least I'm cultured!
Yes, cultured with your impractical watch inspired by an artist "only art students" will have heard of.
#3 "It'll pay off down the road,"
said the sociology major with slight uncertainty in her voice.
#4 But, Conan!
If I don't have a college degree, how do I back up my credentials on tumblr debates? Or-or start sentences with, "As a political science major..."
#5 Just when you think that Masters degree is going to pay off...
You remember you're not a half aboriginal, half [insert minority here] disabled woman. Classic.
#6 One day, I'm going to engineer things that make the world better.
Five years and $100,000 later: "My God...I did it."
#7 Sorry about your luck, Harry.
But I feel better knowing that even in fictional universes, fictional students are getting fictional degrees that aren't worth a damn.
#8 MFW it's 98 degrees outside
and you're another 8,900 hours at $9.00/hr away from paying off your student loans
#9 Savage:
verb, attack ferociously and maul. "Golly gee, Lou-Anne. Your dad is savage AF."
#10 He must be proud.
He literally went to clown college and has already done more with his degree than you ever will.
#11 Remember that third-year fluid dynamics course?
Neither do I, but I bet it had something to do with this.
#12 "Yeah Alex, I'll take 'things worth more than my college degree' for $500."
Alex Trebek: "An increasingly obsolete spongy square pad that a mouse sits on."
#13 Does anyone else around here give a sh*t about the rules?!
No. Make your own rules, the game is rigged, folks.
#14 I may not be able to make my student loan payments...
but let me tell you how I'd solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
#15 We've all been there.
Those last couple weeks of the semester when you realize how, despite all your schooling, you're no better off than you were in the eight grade.
#16 But the real reason school won't pay off
is because you're a smart-ass millennial who'd rather be cheeky than, say, open a business or move to where good jobs are...JUST LIKE ME!
