Which style of facial hair do you have? This COULD be you!
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#1 The Pencil Thin
What This Says About You:
That you are kitschy as hell and you probably own a complete set of retro Buck Rogers collector cups. Oh, and that you're still a "bachelor" even though you're 58 years old and you live in Key West with your "roommate," Ramon. You're overly opinionated and think everyone is beneath you.
#2 The Goatee
What This Says About You:
That you like the idea of having facial hair, but you're not really willing to commit completely to the idea. You're fairly middle of the road, probably pretty boring and there's a good chance you at least dabble with the acoustic guitar. Also, that you can't grow in the rest, but you think that this manages to hide your weak chin/six chins. You have an attitude problem.
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#3 The Handlebar
What This Says About You:
That you are either the villain in a 50's spy flick or you are an outrageous hipster. Either way, everyone you meet secretly wants to drop kick you in the chest through an open window. You live alone and have a few cats.
#4 The Magnum PI
What This Says About You:
That you drive around in your Corvette just so you get the chance to make eye contact with ladies - it doesn't matter who, as long they have a vagina and are ages 18-80, and that you probably own at least one gold medallion, which is good because you need something to cover your chest since you refuse to button your shirt past your sternum. Oh, and you desperately wish that it was still 1981. Either that or you're a cop. You're an arrogant SOB.
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#5 The Crustache
What This Says About You:
That you've basically given up on life and/or you own a white van and are not allowed within 100 yards of a public school. You're probably in to heavy metal music and could have a criminal record. You can't grow facial hair or it's patchy, but you leave the short stubble above your lip in hopes it makes you appear more mature.
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#6 The Chinstrap
What This Says About You:
That you want people to think that you're sweet, sensitive, but still tough, a wounded bad boy with soul. Also, you really, really want early-90's R&B to come back in a big way. Oh, and that you are hilariously cheesy. You may be a drunk or at least the a loudmouth.
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#7 The Chin Square
What This Says About You:
That you are hiding the fact that your face developed without a chin. You're self conscious about your chinless face and covering it up with a dot of hair is your best solution. You are not very intelligent and most likely work in the porn industry, or you're a plumber. You probably need to lose that beer gut as well.
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#8 The Nottingham
What This Says About You:
That you really, really love having a beard, so much that you are willing to have it be your defining characteristic. You enjoy shaving and trimming but you think you look cool with it chiseled to your face. Also, you may or may not be attracted to the same sex, but either way you may be confused about life and have a job in the business sector though you secretly want to become a musician or poet.
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#9 The Soul Patch
What This Says About You:
That you think that you're sensitive and a bit mysterious, but really you just look like the sort of dude who snaps at bad poetry and then breaks out his one anecdote about Gloria Steinem that he uses every time he meets a vulnerable looking woman at the bookstore. You want people to think that you're cooler than cool, more progressive than progress itself and that you really, really care, man. Probably a fan of Starbucks and driving a Prius. You're comfortable going through life looking like a billy-goat.
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#10 Mutton Chops
What This Says About You:
That you want a beard without actually having to have one. Either that or you can't grow the rest. Of course, there is also the possibility that you are an Elvis impersonator or that you are in training to join the X-Men. You're living in the past, and you're lazy. You probably live in the deep South.
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#11 The Lazy Beard
What This Says About You:
That you think you look rugged, but you are a teddy bear at heart. You want people to think you're a man without thinking that you're Hillbilly Jim. Either that or you're just really lazy. Also, you may or may not live in a shack in the woods and make a living selling moonshine and spend your days hollering at people because you think that the flu shot they got last winter really contained tiny neurotransmitters so that the government can read their thoughts.
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#12 The Brawny Beard
What This Says About You:
That you just don't give a fuck. You look amazing and if the Brawny paper towel man can do it, so can you. You have more testosterone than a hopped up football team. If you don't live in the country, you definitely own a truck. You're rugged, but you visit the beauty salon to get groomed on your Sunday visit to the flea market.
#13 The Amish Beard
What This Says About You:
That you have at least two friends named Jebediah and that you are unable to read this because reading this is a sin. Also, you get your kicks drag racing your horse and buggy through a cornfield but if Pa ever finds out, he'll take away your other pair of pants and your good work shirt. You think you're cool but you look hideous.
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#14 The Big Beard With No Hair
What This Says About You:
That you really, really want people to think you're a badass. You probably own a motorcycle (only a Harley, none of those commie rice rockets) and you met your wife during a bar brawl when she hit you with a bar stool. You own a shotgun and don't want people on your lawn.
#15 The Pube Beard
What This Says About You:
That you think you look rugged, but you can't grow hair on your face at all. You look like a dirty guy, and no matter how badly you wish you could show the world you're a real man, that shit won't grow or fill in. You are most likely selling pot to people in a dark alley or you work at a fast food joint.
