Sometimes the truth hurts. Suck it up buttercup. That's the way the world works.
advertisement
#1 Yes ladies, you leave the drain full of hair. It's worse than sleeping with the cat. Gross!
#2 The only shots that should be fired are those from a bar, in shot glasses, full of tequila, with salt, and lemon, and doubled up.
advertisement
#3 You can't do it. Pretending you know how because you fold the corners in doesn't make it so. If you can do it, you must be burned at the stake because your powers are to strong for this realm.
#4 Nothing hurts more than watching the very last episode after binge watching the entire series, and still being confused and feeling like you wasted your life away.
advertisement
#5 From teen to adulthood you just don't get them.. until you need a babysitter of your own. Then it's like, 'I love you guys... can you sit with your grandson for the weekend?'
advertisement
#6 Trust me, I'm a meteorologist on TV! It goin'a rain. Got plans?? Haha! Don't be silly.
advertisement
#7 Truth hurts, you cant really change your body type no matter how hard you try, so have another slice of that deluxe pizza.
advertisement
#8 I bet you have a cupboard full of old jars and plastic containers that you think you'll use one day... amiright?
advertisement
#9 Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, makes you have to go more than having to wait to go. Trust me, I had a lumpy fart earlier and it wasn't pretty.
advertisement
#10 Everything on commercials is fake. You can't butter bread that easily, and you will never get a decent insurance quote from a gecko.
advertisement
#11 It has it's ups and downs. Sadly, There are more downs than there are ups, but hang in there, February is coming soon.
advertisement
#12 Sorry, they don't pay me enough to show up for work and break a sweat as well. You get what you pay for.
#13 Oh look, I can add another hole with this hole punch. I'm good. Pass the cake.
advertisement
#14 What asshole used my decorative hand towels to dry their hands with??? How rude is that!
#15 So here's the deal Mr Banker, I'm loaded, see.. so let me borrow a few grand til my stocks pay off and you'll be covered. I don't really need the money, I just want to see how poor people do it.
advertisement
#16 It's hard enough to see in the neighbors window when they keep the light low and the blinds closed, but now these damn binoculars wont focus either.
#17 Admit it. You've got a collection of keys you have no idea what they are for. Maybe someday you'll find that old diary and who's gonna have the last laugh when you have the right key to open it up?
advertisement
#18 Ugh. I worked out last year. Is it that time already?
#19 So yadda, yadda, yadda... that's how I ended up in jail.
advertisement
#20 If you've ever left your washed clothes in the washer so long they smell like mildew, you're gonna have a shitty day.
#21 New year, new me... and it only costs me $19.99 a month for the next three years. Think of all the weight I'm going to lose.
advertisement
#22 The truth is the truth. People who use a selfie stick are idiots.
#23 Give me a gin tonic please. Hold the ice, easy on the tonic, and no lime. Aaahhh...
advertisement
#24 I just wanted to show how much I care about you so I cooked you some fried pig meat for breakfast. Enjoy. XOX.
