#1 Give her flowers
Girls love flowers and they also love to make fake anniversaries out of minor milestones in order to get flowers. The one month anniversary of the day you met or the three month anniversary of the night you first had sex or the dreaded one year anniversary of anything. They will remember all of the dates and you will be expected to provide something to commemorate each one.
But forget the diamond jewelry because women love flowers. Flowers are organic and locally sourced, free-range and conflict-free, especially if you just grab them out of the neighbor's yard. No need to involve child soldiers or forced slavery by showing up with diamonds. Save money while you thrill your gal!
#2 Recognize her strengths
Most women, even the not-so-bright ones, appreciate it when their talents are recognized. A woman will like you if you let her know that you appreciate how good she is at scraping puke from the carpet, or how understanding she is when you urinate in the potted plant again after a night out with the guys.
It never hurts to mention that she is worth every cent of the 77 cents she earns compared to the dollar earned by you and other men in our society. Everyone likes affirmation of their worth.
#3 Take her on an intimate vacation
Who needs Paris, Dubai, or Prague when you can go camping in some state park with your honey? Put that tent up on some god-forsaken ridge in some isolated forest and you both can soak up the solitude of nature and really focus on each other, free of the hustle and bustle of restaurants, bars, and shopping venues. Just the two of you and the trees and the lullaby of the wind rushing through the hills and valleys. And so damned economical! Then after a few days of not bathing and cooking baked beans in cans on an open fire, you can tell her how sexy she looks and smells, even after she's been in the wild for a few days. Women love compliments, amirite?
#5 Give her gifts
Many other occasions also require something more than flowers. Some occasions require an actual gift. Girls really like gifts that:
.Were purchased from a store.
.Come in boxes.
.Are wrapped with ribbons and bows.
All wrapped up in pretty paper and ribbons. And don't forget to tuck in a small gift card to let her know there will be a pop quiz on what she has learned in the near future! This combines the excitement of a real gift with the thrill of a live performance. A birthday she'll never forget!
#7 Move in with her
If you're getting tired of commuting from your apartment to hers in order to get laid, and/or want to save money on rent.
You could approach this delicate discussion by saying something like, "Hey! What say I move in to your place? You can cook and clean and I can drink beer and not flush the toilet. And I'll save on rent!" The economics of the argument will seal the deal even if she isn't very good at math!
#8 Make time for her family
Women understand that there is no greater gift than the opportunity to spend time with their families, so surprise her before Thanksgiving and tell her that you have scheduled your annual salmon fishing trip for that weekend. But remember to tell her to focus on the bright side.
Remind her that she will have more time to focus on her mother, who hates you and your tattoos; her sisters, who think you're a lazy underachiever; her brother, who prefers smoking pot with you or anyone else over spending time with his family; and her dad, who keeps confusing you with the pool guy. Then just cross your fingers that none of them walk into the local pub and see your line and bait in the water while you're supposedly in Iceland.
#9 Remind her how competitive and successful you are
It never hurts to blow your own horn, although most people prefer others to do it for them. However, if no one is around to sing your praises, you may have to remind the object of your desire that you, for example, kick ass at flip cup. If she is at least a high school graduate, she will understand that she should be so lucky as to hitch her wagon to the likes of you! If she plays her cards right, that is.
#10 Accept her for who she is
Everyone gets turned down upon occasion after requesting sex, but some people get turned down a lot. And sometimes there is a good reason, such as scarlet fever or labor pains or the lack of privacy on the subway.
For example, if the girl you want to have sex with has just declined your request for sex, ask her if she's a lesbian. Then, regardless of her answer, tell her you'd love to hang with her and her lesbian lover any time! They can pick the date and time. Or lick the date and time. Whatever. This shows that you can be flexible and are definitely not possessive or jealous. Girls will appreciate that.
#11 Write her a poem on her birthday
Now that you know you don't have to buy expensive diamonds, you also need to know that you can't always throw flowers at her on all occasions. So forget the flowers on her birthday. They just die, anyway.
