#1
Between auto-correct, sending messages to your mom and dad that were meant for your lover, and the inept nature of a generation of adults with low social skills, there is no shortage of texting blunders that will make your crippling loneliness seem not so bad in comparison.
I don't claim to be some cool handed wordsmith that drops panties with my Shakespearean linguistics. I can't go long enough without saying a dick joke for that to happen. But by comparison to the cringe-worthy texts sent by these Romeos and Juliettes, I'm confident true love will eventually find me...once I move out of my mom's basement and sell my collection of poisonous snakes.
Here's a tip for all you about to embark on a first date, or those who are trying to keep the flame of a new love alive: spellcheck, don't eat before you go on a date just so you can save money, and avoid spandex.
You're welcome.
#2 "When you smile, you get the cutest nipples on your cheeks."
#3 I often do this on the first date. It weeds out the candidates who can and cannot handle the weird.
#4 3. Find her most unique physical quality (i.e. red hair), stare her straight in the eyes and say...
"I'm not into the 'trade' anymore, but redheads usually have a high bidding price on the open market."
#5 Delete your hard drive. Delete your F****** HARD DRIVE NOW!
#6 "Hello, hospital? This is an overly concerned first date looking for the whereabouts of a female I one day hope to wed."
#7 Promptly send selfie of entire store and all staff and customers blowing him kisses.
#8 I've been arrested for less.
#9 "Why did we meet at Olive Garden if you already ate?"
"...because everyone knows where Olive Garden is. Obviously."
#10 That's nothing to be ashamed of.
#11 Her or the dog?
#12 Points for brutal honesty.
#13 Barf bag flowers, eh? Duly noted.
#14 Yeah...I'm gonna need that coffee money back.
#15 This would never ever get tiring.
#16 Walked right into that terrible joke.
#17 Getting blackout drunk IS a thing! Now you know better.
#18 And of course, that first date text to your friend...
Main image via Ego Kick
Collage image via The Chive
