19 News Headlines We Wish Were Fake, But Totally Aren't

#1 Days Inn employee told to just flip over mattress where guest died.

As part of a lawsuit against the hotel chain, an employee claimed that they were advised by managerial staff to just flip over a mattress that a guest had died on while preparing the room for someone else. If the guest didn't leave a stain, they would've probably been told to febreze it and call it a day.

#2 Half the British public...don't trust the British public, study finds.

The study found that many Brits were suspicious of others, thinking that their fellow countrymen were trying to lie or cheat them in some way. Hence the popular phrase that everyone has totally heard before, "Sneaky Brit."

#3 Church opens gun range ministry 'in the name of Jesus Christ.'

Based off the oft-recited Bible verse: "Let he who is without sin, get blown the f*** away." JC was sure a big fan of guns.

#4 These cops are tired of white people getting freaked out by their black neighbors.

Police officers hopped on a forum about frivolous police calls and the conversation became packed with instances of people calling in 'suspicious activity,' like two black men jump starting a car at night, and a black water meter reader sitting in a car across a woman's house. Chilling stuff.

#5 Syracuse fires DPW worker for calling himself the N-word.

"Well if no one else can say it, then you can't either, Todd!"

#6 Texas tortoise held for ransom leads to arrest of man wanted for sexual assault.

So a man convicted of sexual assault steals a tortoise and when cops traced the shelled-reptile back to him, they ran his sheet and discovered he was not only a slow pet-stealer, but a sex offender. It's just like my mother told me, "If a guy will steal your turtle, he'll definitely try to touch your genitals." You were right, Mom.

#7 Former NASA astronaut claims the aliens prevented nuclear war between the US and Russia.

Not sure if this dude is trolling us, or we should totally send a signal out to some space friends and invite them over for drinks on NASA's tab.

#8 Homophobic drunk put his genitals on pub bar and told police he was Batman.

If this guy really is Batman, (which would be really disappointing), we're not sure how putting his bat-testicles on some defenseless bar counter is helping his anti-homosexual agenda in any way.

#9 Man in bear costume harasses bears in Alaska.

Let's not jump to conclusions about the sanity of this man just yet. The bears he "harassed" probably wronged him in some way and he was just getting revenge. And even if he did it just for the hell of it, is a man who aggravates bears in his free time someone you want to mess with?

#10 Staff at Turkish hotel use fake guns to stage mock ISIS attack on Brits.

It was meant to be a funny poolside show, but they ended up terrifying the guests to death. Remind us to never go to a Turkish murder mystery dinner.

#11 Lightning strike hits army rangers during lightning protection drills.

Little known fact: there's a US army ranger who is capable of controlling the elements. Once he saw his squad wasn't taking the drill seriously, he showed them what's what.

#12 Catholic Priest says gay sex is like 'Cramming a bagel in your ear.'

How would you know what sex is supposed to be like? Aren't you supposed to be celibate? And why the hell are you cramming bagels anywhere other than your mouth?

#13 Liking ex-girlfriend's Facebook photo sends man to jail for violating his restraining order.

We hope that the cop is a friend of the guy trying to make a point. "Dude, just let her go. You'll find someone else, I promise! Look, this dude you're sharing your cell with actually thinks you're pretty cute..."

#14 Why Italy's Parmesan makers are threatening to sue PornHub.

And the award for most curiosity-inducing headline goes to...

In all seriousness, the pungent aroma of parmesan cheese is probably the last thing anybody wants to think of when they're getting off. Unless, you know, that's your sort of thing.

#15 Missouri man sues "Throwed Roll" restaurant after he was hit, injured by roll.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. The man suffered a lacerated cornea from piece of bread flying through the air, which is kind of the restaurant's gimmick. You can't argue that he didn't know what he was getting into. The injury sounds serious and hopefully winning the lawsuit will help to make up for the lamest scar story anyone will ever have.

#16 Big Mac attack: man charged with assault over burgers.

We don't know what's worse: the fact that the news agency plugged McDonald's in the headline or the fact that someone could actually eat three big macs in one sitting, which is what spurred the altercation in the first place. A man punched his brother after he learned that he ate all the Big Macs and didn't leave him one.

#17 Hillary Clinton's emoji tweet sparks backlash.

Because emojis are serious business. Probably used the wrong smiley when she expressed how excited she was for dinner. There's a difference between the 'silly' tongue, and the 'I'm hungry' tongue, Hillary. How do you expect to lead the free world if you don't know how to properly emoji?

#18 Rubio reminds voters: fertilized human eggs don't become cats.

Dude thanks so much for the reminder! I was totally wondering whether or not my exotic shorthair could be my nephew. All cleared up now.

#19 Russian bodybuilder claims to have knife-proof abs, gets stabbed in stomach at party.

Why the hell anyone would make a claim like that at a party, where people are drinking, in Russia, is beyond me.