Parents Hilariously Recount Their "NO WAY Is This Person Dating My Child" Moment

#1 Immediately Failed The Test

My son is almost 21. A few months ago when he still lived with me he had some girl come over for dinner. I asked her to walk across the street to the store with me. It's about a 5-minute walk. As we were walking I started asking her about herself. She just came out and told me that she had just got out of rehab because her last boyfriend got her hooked on heroin...then I asked her how did she meet my son and she explained she used to live in my apartment complex but she had been kicked out because she trashed the apartment. I asked what she meant and she told me that she threw her boyfriend's mother through the window because she thought she was breaking in the house when she was actually bringing groceries for them. Said she was sleeping when the mother came in so she didn't know. She told me some other off the wall stuff but obviously by this time I was done...fed her sent her on her way and told my son in no uncertain terms would he see her again

#2 The Thousand Dollar Deal

A friend of mine had a harrowing experience. It was apparent that the parents did not like him, but neither he or his girlfriend really gave a crap. And he wasn't really a scummy person, he was just a little skinny and awkward. One day he's leaving work, and as he gets into his car, this big dude grabs the keys from him and closes the door. The father gets into the passenger side of the car and the big dude gets in the backseat. The father was extremely calm and had his checkbook with him. He wrote a check for $5000, and said for my friend to take the check, and never be seen with his daughter again, or even near the property or his businesses.

My friend initially refused, but the father said the only other option was to not take the check and then his friend in the backseat would find other arrangements that would make him really wish that he had taken the check. They then left the car and gave him his keys back. My friend was pretty shaken up by the experience and held onto the check for a few days until he was able to talk to his girlfriend about the situation. She was furious, of course. They then cashed the check, and flew out to Vegas and eloped. They were secretly married for 2 1/2 years before the parents found out.

#3 Scumbag

When my youngest sister was 15 she started dating a 20-year-old scum bag. He dealt coke, drove drunk/stoned, got my sister pregnant three times (she always had abortions). And my parents just worried silently... never came down hard on her when she wouldn't come for days, would cut class, would go visit him in hotels when his mother kicked him out, etc. I'm 5 years older, so was at college when this all happening. But when I'd come home on weekends, I'd go looking for her and yell and make a fuss. She, of course, hated me for years and does not want me to tell her teen daughters about him.

She finally broke up with him when he totaled my dad's car. It's a wonder he didn't die in that crash. And DECADES later she tells me she still thinks she could have turned him around and bears him no ill will. F_cker is probably in prison. Or dead. I'm a parent of teens now. Thankfully I don't see my kids going down that road. But I will NOT sit idly by, waiting for some stupid teen to "finally see the light" if my kids make a wrong turn. If you SEE something, SAY something!

#4 A Good Big Sister

Not a parent, but an older sister. I'm about seven years older than my little brother, and after my parents died, I basically raised him. He's bisexual, and when he was sixteen and in his rebellious phase, he started dating this really douchey guy who I got super bad vibes from. I didn't know until after it was over, but he was very controlling and was constantly trying to pressure my brother into doing things he wasn't really comfortable doing (sex, drinking, smoking, etc) and since I didn't know this was happening, I just figured he would get over this creep and find someone decent later on. I didn't have any evidence that the guy was bad, so I avoided conflict by letting it happen. Yeah, bad idea, obviously. I immediately shut it down when my brother came home with a bruise on his cheek, apparently, the dickhead had hit him after my brother said no to having sex with him. There wasn't an argument between us, he realized that his (ex, obviously) boyfriend was a total fucking tool after that.

#5 Dumb Dumb

My mother was angry when I decided to date Bill. He was always goofing off and saying things that were just jokes between us, but she got pissed over some of his comments about me. He always said I was stupid, dumb, crazy, and psycho. She hated that, so she started calling him dumb dumb. One day he wasn't in a fun mood and she called him that and he punched her in the face and broke her nose. Well, guess what? The cops were called and he was put in jail. Mother was right, this time.

#6 Not With My Daughter

My 23-year-old daughter got into a mess, dating a 17-year-old high school boy. He came by and they dated. Then one night he asked her to go to the prom with him. I was like, NO WAY! First, he's underage, secondly, the guy was a dirtbag. He had no plans for college, had a criminal record, and was on drugs. He always looked neat and clean when he came to our home and was a good looking kid, but I had a PI track his record down and he's a douchebag with no prospects. The night they went to the prom I brought out a shotgun and whispered to him that he better enjoy his night because if I saw him near my daughter ever again, I was going to blow his nuts off. They broke up about a week later and she met a guy her own age.

#7 Here's Your Sign

I just show every boy my plaque when he comes to meet my wife and I for the first time. I usually worked pretty well, until she met this asshole named Jake. I showed him the sign that said I had a gun and knew how to use it, and he said, "no problem. I have one too, and it's on me." I refused to let my daughter go out with Jake but she went anyway. To make matters worse, they didn't come home for three days. I called the cops and everything to search for her, because Jake is a weird guy and my wife was afraid he'd killed her. They stroll in and announce they went and got married. My wife passed out. I nearly killed Jake right there. Luckily, they had the wedding annulled after 5 days when my baby found out that Jake was a gang member who dealt in drugs from Mexico.

#8 The Bad Influence

When he was 14 my son caught the attention of the only girl on his hockey team. They started hanging out a bit, and she would dye his hair strange colors, all harmless stuff. Then he found out she was also hanging out with some other guys and got suspended from school for drug/alcohol abuse, so he backed away. Then she drunk dialed him one night at midnight, telling him how much she missed him. He told her that this was not OK, and he liked hanging out with her, but not if she was going to be like that. I think her parents had also had enough of her antics, because she spent the following summer at a special "hockey" camp far away from home, and played on an all-girls team the next season. So my son basically handled it himself, but there was NO WAY we were going to let it carry on if he hadn't.

#9 Over My Dead Body

This isn't that bad but I start protecting EARLY! Girls need to learn earlier and earlier what's best for them these days. Everyone thought it was soooooo cute that this little 6-year-old monster had a crush on my 5-year-old girl. He would write her "love notes" and such. When I met the kid, he had his shirt on inside out and backward and he was chewing on his collar. No way this kid is dating my daughter. Boy can't even dress himself and he thinks his clothes are a chew toy. Over my dead body.

#10 A Happy Ending

I was the guy that was never going to date someone's daughter. I started dating a girl in my late teens and it seemed to be going well. One day while hanging out at her house, her father came into the living room and started talking to her in French (they're of French heritage, I'm not). I could see that the girl was getting upset answering back, then he got noticeable more angry and it escalated until finally she grabbed my hand, said "let's go" and we went outside. I asked what that was all about and she proceeded to tell me how her father didn't want me in their house because he had heard stories about my father, the drunk that had multiple run-ins with the law, none of which were good. She tried defending me by saying that I was nice and she liked me to which he replied that he didn't care what she thought because she needed to trust him, I was only going to hurt her and get her into trouble. Apples don't fall far from the tree. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. So I did nothing but be myself. I didn't avoid him. I didn't try to kiss his ass. I just went on as though I had never heard what was said while his daughter and I continued to date.

That was in 1997. His daughter and I got engaged and bought our first house together in 2001. We were married in 2003. We tried, unsuccessfully, for many emotional years to have children. We battled together successfully through my wife's cancer between 2009-2010. We were blessed with our first daughter in 2013. We happily welcomed our second daughter just two months ago. We have no intentions of not growing old together. There have been so many times over the last 15 years that my father-in-law has told me how happy he is to have me as a son-in-law and how thankful he is that his daughter is with someone that treats her so well and is always there for her. I can't imagine how our lives would have been had my wife listened to her father.

#11 A Good Mother

A friend of mine had this moment. But not because he was a douche or not good enough. It was the opposite. He started dating a girl, 23 years old, who already a 3-year-old son. One day he met her mother for the first time. After dinner, his girlfriend went to the bathroom. The mother sat down on the couch beside him and said "I know you love her, and you would be a great husband, but you should leave her now. She's only dating you because you have a stable job and money. She told me she's off birth control since Tuesday. Be careful. If you don't believe me, tell her you're going back to university."

Of course he didn't believe the mother at first, but after about a week he got suspicious, confronted her about the lack of birth control pills. She told him she changed to an implant. Then one day she told him, that she wanted another baby before her son turned 5 (note the son just got 3 three month before he dated her). Then after a few days, he did exactly what the mother told him. He told her we wanted to go back to university to get his PhD (he's an engineer, but she's not the smart kind). She told him it was fine at first, but after a few days, she dumped him for some 20-year-old douchebag and she really managed to get pregnant and get the second child before the son turned 5. Buddy really dodged a bullet.

#12 A Total Slob

Not a parent, but my little sister's boyfriend is awful. She just turned 20 but she was a teenager by the age of 6. Her hobbies are makeup, fashion, and her hair. She takes hours to get ready to go out. She wears hair extensions every day. She works out. High maintenance is probably the word. Basically, she's all about her appearance. Her boyfriend... is not. He's overweight and scruffy. He wore sweatpants to Christmas dinner, and he ate so much he fell asleep at the table. I'm pretty sure he owns only 1 polo shirt, which is his idea of dressed up. He's not intelligent. Together they are the hot wife/slob husband clique you find in sitcoms. However, the worst part is he's 6 years older than her and already has 2 children by 2 different mothers. Both of whom look very similar to my sister. I really don't know what she sees in him but I hope she breaks it off soon.

#13 A Dangerous Game

My dad made my brother stop seeing his girlfriend because her house got shot up and her car blown up. She was a super sweet girl with a really nice family. We never found out if they were attacked randomly, or if they were somehow gang affiliated, or if they were attacked because they were a mixed family. There can be a lot of anger towards mixed families where the father is white and the mother is black around here. Dad was afraid my brother would be caught up in whatever happened. I think I t was probably a good idea to break them up, but everyone was sad it happened.

#14 The Old "Focus On School" Bit

Not a parent, but the boyfriend. I was dating this girl my freshman year of high school, beautiful way out of my league. She told me she was Mexican which was sweet. I love Hispanic girls and she knew I was just some Jewish kid. Get to her house her dad was Palestinian, she did not mention that, and her grandmother was from India. Long story short we broke up shortly after because "she needed to focus on school". I found out later that her father and grandmother didn't like Jews, which is ironic since they are a mixed family.

#15 The Monster-In-Law

My mother just would not accept my new wife. We had dated for six years and she always treated Amanda like crap, no matter what we did or where we were. Amanda kept trying to show her how good she was but it didn't work. We planned our wedding and Mom said she was not coming. We went ahead and did it anyway and things were great. As we were pulling away in our limo to head to the airport for our honeymoon, my mother pops up and tries to get inside the limo with us. She was screaming and crying like a nut. She put her face to the window and was begging me to come home. Amanda told the driver to hit the gas and we left Mom standing there in the rain.

#16 Wait, What?!

My son is 15 and recently had his first girlfriend. A couple of months ago, I was driving them home from school and asking about their day. The girlfriend started explaining that they were learning about the holocaust in their WWII unit when this exchange took place:

Girlfriend: The holocaust was horrible! It should have never happened to the Jews; it should have happened to the Muslims instead.

Me: after a quick brake check WHAT?!

Girlfriend: It should have happened to the Muslims instead.

Me: No. Something like the holocaust shouldn't have happened to anyone at any time.

Girlfriend: I just don't like Muslims.

Me: Have you ever met one?

Girlfriend: No, but I just don't like them.

After dropping her off, I had a talk with my son about how the opinions of others should not influence our own. Two days later he broke up with her.... Because she wanted him to go vegan like her. He loves bacon too much to ever give it up. I was very proud of him.

#17 Rebellion and Irony

Not a parent, but I on the receiving end of this kind of attitude for a while. Early high school, I met a girl at my church youth group. We made eyes at each other and eventually developed some feelings for each other. When we would try to spend some time together outside of youth group, however, her mom would have a fit and do whatever she could to keep us apart. Her mother's main reason to keep us apart was that I was a year older. I believed that at first, so I did my best to convince her that I was responsible and worthy to date her daughter. She was having none of it. The girl was grounded from everything and forbidden to go to the same church just so she wouldn't see me. I thought maybe she just despised the idea of her daughter dating anybody until I heard her mom tried to set her up with one of the girl's guy-friends for a school dance. For whatever reason, she was determined to not let ME date her daughter. We found out later that her mom was probably just a controlling psych ho-bitch. A couple years and countless secret exchanges and meetings later, she was finally turning 18. By then, our relationship was very healthy and fairly serious. As soon as she was legally able, she moved out of her mother's house to gain independence and to allow us to be together.

We spent as much time together as possible given that I was in college in a different city. Everything was great for a while until she got into some rough stuff with her new-found freedom. She got really deep into the party scene and did a whole myriad of drugs. I still held on, though, until she cheated on me a couple months ago. It's pretty ironic that I was the one that was the "unfit" one.