What If I Told You These Celebs Were Huge Fakers?

Kaley Cuoco and Henry Cavill

Just as Man of Steel came out in 2013, superman Henry Cavill started dating TV star Kaley Cuoco. Their brief relationship had no shortage of middle school-style hand-holding and visits to a popular Los Angeles farmer's market, where the paparazzi notoriously hang out. Although to hear Cuoco tell it, she was taken completely by surprise by the attention. "I had no one following me until I met Superman. I've been in this business for 20 years, and my whole life, I could go anywhere, do anything. There had not been one paparazzi photo of me until like seven months ago," she told Cosmopolitan. That's clearly stretching the truth. Cuoco was already the hugely recognizable star of The Big Bang Theory (2007-), while Cavill was a relative unknown before donning the red cape and parading about with Cuoco by his side.

Their highly publicized relationship only lasted a few weeks, and adding fuel to the just-for-PR fire was the fact that Cuoco and Cavill were both represented by the same public relations firm. While it's true that may not be unusual in Hollywood, it is odd that Cuoco immediately moved on to tennis pro Ryan Sweeting and married him three months later. That union has since gone kaput. Cuoco chalks the whirlwind romances up to her impulsive nature, but we like to believe the whole thing was probably cooked up in a board room where someone's assistant got fired after failing to secure the proper foam level on a latte.

Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison

Reality star Courtney Stodden married The Green Mile (1999) actor Doug Hutchison when she was 16 and he was 51. According to an ABC News interview, they met when Stodden became interested in an acting workshop that Hutchison was holding, so not only could he be her dad, he was also her teacher. Their relationship supposedly blossomed over email, which was monitored by Stodden's mother, Krista, who allegedly told the actor, "I can feel my daughter's love for you. I can feel it inside of my heart, and I can feel your love for her. So rest assured: Me and Alex [Courtney's dad], we have absolutely no problem with you two falling in love." With her parents' approval, and "no sexual emails and no physical contact," Hutchison apparently felt it was fine to continue the romance, because those are all completely customary parameters for the start of a normal relationship.

As if that wasn't suspicious enough, the pair even cooked up a phony story about how a sex tape was ""leaked," which turned out to be a thinly veiled marketing scheme for Stodden's solo adult film that she shot for Vivid. The dubious duo even briefly separated shortly after they married, but kept living in the same house, because real couples absolutely love watching late night booty calls come and go from their ex's bedroom. It appears even though they seem like a totally fake couple, they're definitely cut from the same controversial cloth. Not that it matters, but they're apparently back together, which is a storyline they can sell to the only medium that's been interested in hiring them lately—reality TV shows on unknown outlets.

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries

Nothing reality mogul Kim Kardashian does has even the vaguest sense of authenticity, so why should her marriage to basketball pro Kris Humphries be any exception? Aside from her current husband, Kanye West, who we believe would marry a poster of himself if it was legal, Kim once made a grand, televised spectacle of her wedding to Humphries in August 2011, but that union hit the bricks just 72 days after the vows. In a reaction statement after the divorce news broke, Humphries said, "I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce." Sounds like at least one of them bought into the whole "Fairytale Wedding" storyline.

Kardashian, on the other hand, seemed to have the drama planned accordingly. With her marriage on the skids and all of it already captured on the yet-to-be-aired Season 6 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, she told People, "It will probably be the best season yet." Maybe the perpetual self-promoter was trying to make the best out of a bad situation, or maybe she married a guy on TV to boost her show's ratings and reportedly make $2 million dollars on the whole thing? Either way, we have just one question: How iron-clad was your pre-nup, Yeezy?

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Action star Tom Cruise didn't even have to dent Oprah's couch for people to question his marriage to Dawson's Creek (1998-2003) star Katie Holmes, although his tomfoolery on the talk show certainly didn't help matters. Cruise and Holmes dated for two months before he proposed at the top of the Eiffel Tower in a cliché so perfect we only hope the ring was baked into a soufflé.

But Cruise wasn't the only one prone to excessive displays of infatuation, which let's be honest, are usually a cover-up for something. In a bizarre W Magazine interview that took place soon after their engagement—and during which she was accompanied by her Scientology chaperone—Holmes gushed about her fiancé. "He's the most incredible man. He's so generous and kind, and he helps so many people, and, um, he makes me laugh like I've never laughed, and he's a great friend," she said. Nope, nothing middle school diary sounding about that at all. Holmes' pregnancy was announced four months after the proposal, and they wed approximately one year after that in an Italian castle.

Shrouded in Scientology secrecy, their marriage was plagued with bizarre rumors, including the possibility that their daughter, Suri, was actually church founder L. Ron Hubbard's biological child, conceived using his frozen sperm. Ultimately, the marriage would last just shy of six years, which some speculated was actually the term of a marriage contract that also allegedly included bonuses for Katie if she had more kids. Not bad work if you can get it, but not exactly the kind of Nicholas Sparks "dying together while holding hands" romance we were supposed to believe.

Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe

Michael Jackson married his dermatologist's nurse, Debbie Rowe, shortly after his divorce from Lisa Marie Presley (another questionable marriage we won't get into). They had two kids together during their 3-year marriage, which ended with Rowe handing over full custodial rights in exchange for a Beverly Hills mansion and a huge chunk of change. Rowe actually told ABC News that she only wanted to bear Jackson's children as a gift to him, because she believed "there are people who should be parents, and he's one of them." In the hearings when Rowe relinquished custody of both kids, she also said, "I did it for him to become a father, not for me to become a mother. You earn the title parent. I have done absolutely nothing to earn that title," so she literally couldn't have been more open about this faux love affair.

If she was basically just being paid as a surrogate, why go through the charade of getting married, right? Rowe told ABC News it was "to prevent some of the taboo of a child out of wedlock," because that was somehow a concern, yet the inevitable news stories about a mother trading her kids to the King of Pop was no big deal.

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn

Coming off the heels of her ugly separation from Allied (2016) actor Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston found herself conveniently in the arms of her co-star from The Break-Up (2006), Vince Vaughn. And just in time to promote their movie! What better way to rub it in your ex's face than basically saying, "Hey, you know that guy I was spending 16-hour days with that I told you was strictly professional? Yeah, I'm sleeping with him now." Curiously, they took forever to confirm their relationship, and somehow managed to keep a super low public profile, rarely being photographed together despite being two of the biggest stars in the business.

Long after the relationship ended, Vaughn told Playboy, "For me personally—and I think most well-known actors who are together feel this way—I never enjoyed the paparazzi side of it. You like someone and you're spending time with them; that's separate and that was all fine."

Wait, so Vaughn actually used the phrase "that was all fine" when talking about dating the Jennifer Aniston? Whew! Is it getting hot in here or is the passion of that description melting the internet? They called it quits after a year, or in industry terms, "just until the rental and DVD sales start to dip."

Taylor Swift and [insert any guy she dated just before releasing an album]

Songstress Taylor Swift's reputation for ex-shaming in her lyrics is legendary. That is, if your idea of a legend is a self-proclaimed "nightmare dressed like a daydream" (actual lyrics) who will profit off of your trampled heart. Here's a sampling of her "long list of ex-lovers" (more actual lyrics) who allegedly inspired songs: Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer, Harry Styles, Joe Jonas, and two guys named Drew. It begs the question: does Swift, like, ever date anyone not for the story? At the time of this writing, she has allegedly spun another ugly and very public breakup, this time with Scottish DJ Calvin Harris, into yet another hit song that she wrote for the country group Little Big Town.

Swift also partook in a laughably public rebound relationship with The Avengers (2012) actor Tom Hiddleston that included what appeared to be canned photoshoots like those images of the lovebirds lounging on rocks and gazing lovingly at each other and the ocean. A lot of people speculated the whole thing was part of Hiddleston's attempt to raise his profile enough to be considered for the role of James Bond, but we're 100 percent certain that plan backfired the second he went swimming in his "I Heart T.S." tank top. Their split was said to be "amicable," but we know that won't stop her from cranking out her next Billboard heartbreak chart-topper, which we think should be titled, "Never Say Never Again (Unless You're Talking About Your Chances at Ever Playing James Bond. Seriously, What Were You Thinking with that Shirt?)."

Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough

Entertainer Ryan Seacrest and dancer Julianne Hough were together for three years before enduring a breakup that was allegedly caused by them never seeing each other. In an interview with Redbook, Hough opened up about her past relationships, including her time with Seacrest. "Every relationship there was nothing wrong or bad but there was nothing right. I had one foot out because I didn't want to get hurt," she said. She also admitted to Glamour (via Us Weekly) to being a workaholic, and everyone knows how much Seacrest does since it's nearly impossible to turn on a TV or radio and not see or hear him. Consequently, we're assuming these two had a romance of convenience that ended up being not so convenient. Most of the controversy over them being a fake couple was because of a story about Seacrest buying Hough a $3 million dollar house as a "parting gift," but that turned out to be fake as well.

Although, hang on, because another one of Seacrest's exes may have a clue as to how real any of his romances have been. Having dated some of the most beautiful women in the world, including Victoria's Secret Angel Adriana Lima and Playboy Playmate Sara Jean Underwood, it would appear Seacrest is a modern day Casanova, yet because his relationships are so cloaked in mystery, rampant speculation about his sexuality has attempted to fill in the gaps. Underwood didn't help much in this area when she told shock jock Howard Stern that over the course of their sporadic 2-year relationship, they never had sex. She also said, "He accepts the fact that he's sort of, like, feminine…I kissed him. That's it." Yeesh. Look, we're absolutely not here to judge, but if Hough's relationship with Seacrest was also handled like a Duggar family first date, it's no wonder it didn't work out.

Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian

Before getting into any of the weirdness of Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian's relationship, we should establish right up front the odd and Jerry Springer-esq connection Chyna has to Kardashian's half-sister, Kylie Jenner, and Jenner's boyfriend, rapper Tyga. Have a headache yet? Well, take an aspirin because Chyna now has children with both Tyga and Kardashian, so if both couples get married, that would make some complicated familial connections for the kids. King Cairo (Tyga and Chyna's son) would be a stepbrother and step-cousin to Dream (Kardashian and Chyna's daughter). It would also make Kardashian both a stepfather and step-uncle to King Cairo. So yeah, that family tree would look like a tumbleweed, but aside from that, how authentic is Uncle Daddy Kardashian and Aunt Mommy Chyna's relationship?

This engagement screams cubic zirconia. First off, Chyna filed paperwork to legally change her name to Angela Kardashian (Her real name is Angela White) almost the instant her relationship with Kardashian went public. Second, the duo very quickly spun their romance into a reality show à la Keeping Up with the Kardashians, so there's already a strong whiff of shenanigans shrouding this love affair. Third, after giving birth to Dream, Chyna reportedly bolted from the house she and Kardashian lived in only to chalk the whole thing up to "her Instagram getting hacked." Keep in mind, all of this has been heavily promoted for their show. These two could stay together for 50 years, and we'd still wonder if they were just fulfilling the Golden Anniversary clause in a made-for-TV romance.

Nicole Richie and Steve-O

Last but not least, let's talk about The Simple Life (2003-07) star Nicole Richie and Jackass (2000-02) stuntman Steve-O, another match made in reality TV heaven (or hell, depending on how you look at it). In 2006, both were desperate to cling to the fifteenth minute of their fame, so Richie allegedly cooked up the phony romance just for paparazzi attention.

During a Howard Stern interview, the always classy Steve-O shared all the gross details of their relationship, including a tender story about how he pleasured himself while Richie slept in bed next to him. Of her plan to keep them both in the public eye, Steve-O said, "…the truth is she wanted some publicity for something other than being skinny. It was a big publicity stunt. She would come pick me up. I don't drive. I think she called the paparazzi too. These muther effers were coming from all directions. I'm even giving interviews to the video paparazzi, and I thought this is the kind of scrutiny I WANT to be under. I want to be in the tabloids! I f**kin' loved it. I have no hard feelings. I don't think she has any hard feelings for me." He also admitted that they never consummated the relationship, which is odd considering that sure-fire wooing technique he described above.

Anyway, if there's anything admirable in this tale of a counterfeit courtship, it's the fact they basically owned up to it right away. Even so, we still feel like we could use a nice, long shower right about now.