Why Can't Some Guys Grow A Proper, Non-Patchy, Beard?

#1

When I was a young teen - vulnerable, scared, soft in body and in mind - I longed for a beard. I'd stand in front of the mirror, staring at the few stray hairs which clung to my chin, urging them to muster their mates so I could piece together a bushy masterpiece.

Alas, now that I'm the age where a formidable facial jacket is an actual possibility, it no longer appeals. Every fucker has one.

Nowadays, it's impossible to turn a corner without encountering a barista, digital marketing professional, or aspiring taxidermist boasting a chin decoration. While all these people are awful, my biggest gripe is with lads who clearly cannot grow a proper beard. They look like they smeared Vaseline on their cheeks before face-planting on a barbershop floor.

#2

I'm of the opinion that if you're dealt the patchy beard card, it's best to remain clean-shaven. The question is, why can't you grow it properly? Why do you only get sideburns, a stringy mustache and a wisp of chin fluff? Well, sorry lads, but your egos are about to take a hit - it's because you're not manly enough.

A male chemical that develops sexual characteristics called dihydrotestosterone is responsible for your pathetic face patches. It's synthesized from testosterone and has a profound effect on the way your beard grows. The more sensitive you are to testosterone, the thicker your beard grows.

And your sensitivity to testosterone is down to genetics. So if your dad is middle-aged and still struggles to get past the stage of a pre-pubescent goat, then you can thank him for your troubles.

Despite your short comings, there are a few things you can do. Not a lot, though. Forget what you've been told, shaving often and against the grain doesn't work. If you want your beard to reach its full potential, you'll have to let it grow out a while before shaving it, and then repeat. After doing this a few times, it will begin to grow into the Grizzly Adams monster you crave (maybe).

#3

The key to this techniques is patience. Just wait it out. And while you do, make sure you take care of your skin: Exfoliate, moisturise, stick cucumbers on your eyes, whatever. When it comes to shaving, avoid sculpting what you have into any sort of style. You're not a Just For Men model, you're Patch Adams and you can't afford to jeopardise your good work with an inconsistent chinstrap.

#4

And if all else fails, there are medical alternatives, including surgical transplants. However if you opt for this, you don't deserve a beard.